Monday, 24 April 2017

An Ode to Goulies - A Horrific Blog Paper Poem

Over the few months I have been writing this little blog I have tried to cover a few different topics all loosely based around my love of pop culture. I do this to try and appeal to a broad audience. When I look at the site statistics it turns out most my readers are dedicated horror nuts and all I need write about is people being beheaded by psychotic zombie alien rabbits from hell.

I don't know how this happened, it was not by design. However, in a blatant effort to appeal to these enthusiasts of all things gory and to get my numbers up I have written a ditty in tribute to these lovely(?!) people.

Blood and guts
And Gore and Goo
Chopping off a limb
Or two

Girls in forests
Boys in bed
One quick slice
Chops off his head

Monsters that will
Scare you Stiff
And chase you off
A great big cliff

Splat you go
Run through the middle
Ghosts go boo
And make you piddle

A old cabin
In the wood
Don't read the book
Or you're possessed for good

Don't explore
The creepy fruit cellar
Or a soul will be eaten
By an under floor dweller

Don't pick up
That ringing phone
Cos the masked looney
Will know you are alone

He comes at you
With a dirty big knife
You protect yourself
Behind your lovely wife

Kill him dead
But all things equal
Ticket sales are up
So he'll be back for a sequel

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Blog Paper: Unclogged - Movie News w/c 19th April 2017


Welcome to a brand new edition of Blog Paper: Unclogged. The headlines are true, the details may very well not be!

The new Justice League trailer dropped this week. The next chapter in the DCEU franchise looks like it has a lighter tone than previous entries, possibly a creative decision to course correct the much maligned, yet profitable series. Justice League will be followed by various new movies featuring comic characters you have barely heard about which are all in various stages of disarray. Warner Bros. and DC are expected to soon announce that they are block booking all dates between now and 2035 for the release of the movies to avoid having to keep releasing costly press releases when they have to push them all back again due to creative problems. A notable character that is missing from Justice League is The Green Arrow. Charlie Hunnam star of Sons of Anarchy is a fan favourite for the role but he apparently has no desire to play Green Arrow. He has stated that comic book movies are just not his taste, a feeling expressed by many when watching a DCEU movie



On the other side of the comic book movie fence Marvel are continuing their planned domination of the genre and released new Spider-man Homecoming  posters. They feature Spider-man in many exciting, action packed poses such as hanging from a sign, lying down and sticking to a building. Previous images to be used of Spider-man in bed, sitting at a desk and enjoying a soak in the tub were considered not frenetic and exciting enough so the Marvel execs went with the images we got.



A new Spider-man spin off is planned, outside of the MEU, by Sony with baddie Venom taking the lead. Rumour has it the  movie will be R rated. The reason for this being that main cast will be heard to drop many an F Bomb when they discover the movie is not being produced by Marvel and box office is likely to be as rotten as having a festering symbiotic alien attached to your undies. Look forward to a Venom reboot being announced shortly after this movie is released.

Las Vegas CinemaCon Distributors convention took place this week. Members of the cinema distribution Illuminati were treated to exclusive previews of some of the movies they can look forward to investing in by default in the up coming few years. Some of the clips that were shown came from the likes of blockbusters Justice League, Blade Runner 2049 and War of the Planet of the Apes. Some attendees were disappointed to be turned away at the door because they were in in cosplay - apparently it wasn't that kind of convention.


Kong Skull Island has been bashing it's chest at the box office recently. Cinema viewers were very disappointed that there were no scenes included of Kong eating a skyscraper sized banana, or a bit where he flings Mount Rushmore sized lumps of monkey poo at passing tourists. Despite this, follow up/sequel Godzilla 2 production moves along at a pace. The movie is casting has included Millie Bobby Brown best known for her role as Eleven in Stranger Things. Millie's casting has lead rumours to a further cross over event entitled  A Stranger Godzilla vs King Kong and Things. A musical ,singalong verson of King Kong is also due called Kongalongathon.

Photos of Alicia Vikander as Lara Croft in the new Tomb Raider reboot have been released. It looks like poor old Lara is going to be in for some major orthodontic procedures. As we can see in this picture, Lara is ready to do battle with an evil infestation of plaque using a giant toothpick.


Han Solo Plot details have been released and fans are a little disappointed to find out that it will centre around the iconic smuggler being caught going through the nothing to declare section at Gatwick Airport and being caught by the authorities with an unauthorised pomegranate in his hand luggage and having it confiscated. Han immediately springs to action filling in form 74505b to be able to have his pomegranate released from quarantine and forwarded to him on Tatooine.


It seems that Harry Styles of One Direction fame was up for the part of Han Solo in the new spin off . When asked why he was chosen he replied "God Only Knows" apparently producers said "It Gotta be You". When asked if he knew why he eventually didn't land the part he related that it was because of all these "little things."

Arnie "Arnold Schwarzenegger" Schwarzenegger has chimed in on Terminator series rumours. The franchise is not dead according to the Austrian Oak. Paramount has recently dropped plans for follow ups to Genysis like so many SkyNet A bombs. Reports suggest that Arnie has confirmed he is still attached to star in the next movie but reading his quotes closer what he actually said was someone, somewhere will make a Terminator movie at some point which will star people who will be directed by another person. To find out exactly what happens with the movie jump on into a time machine, flash forward five years or so, watch the movie then travel back in time around two hours so you can stop yourself wasting the price of the cinema ticket.


Sunday, 26 February 2017

The Yannie Awards - Celebrating The Unsung Heroes of Hollywood

Arthur Bernard Yanniviclovacistienberg was born into poverty in the old country. His parents, who were older than him, remember when it was the young country and his Uncle remembered when it was the awkward teenage country. Life was hard for Arthur, he and his family once owned a carrot which they cut small pieces from for their weekly meal for three years, because of this other children bullied him for being posh. Arthur's dad Bernard Bernard Yanniviclovacisteinberg had dreams of escaping to a new life in America and one day took it upon himself to do something about it. He spent the next two months fashioning a shovel from Grandma's wooden leg and on September of 1889, the family packed up the rest of their carrot and started to dig their way to America.

They arrived in Los Angeles it was 26th February 1930. The date happened to be Grandma's 176th birthday so the family gave her a very special present to mark their arrival in their new home, her old leg back. The shovel leg was worn down to a nubbin and Grandma walked with a pronounced limp for the rest of her life, which was roughly another three hours. The end of their tunnel came up in the back garden of Shirley Temple's house. The young girl saw what she thought were giant moles coming out of her lawn and danced on their heads with her tap shoes on. A passing movie producer saw the commotion and instantly recognised a huge talent, and a star was born! Arthur was hired for a starring role in "Attack of the Killer Molemen."

Arthur was suddenly in high demand in Hollywood. Realising that his name was too long to fit on the front of most theatre marquees he decided to change it for the betterment of his career. His stage name Veronica Yanniviclovacistienberg was soon on everybodies lips, and his lips were soon on everybody elses. However it was his new stateside friends that had taken to calling him Yannie. He worked steadily for the next 30 years and pioneered many aspects of movie making, that are now taken for granted, through many iconic roles. All this and at the same time never being recognised for his efforts.

It was Arthur laid the way for modern stunt work when he played an in intigral role in Laurel and Hardy's "The Music Box". His part as the piano helped win the picture an Oscar, although hurling himself down the long flight of stairs over and over again left him with a life threatening broken left eyelid.


Arthur was also to lead the way for the popular "method" style of acting. When preparing for his role in the 1940 movie "The Great Dictator" as Charlie Chaplin's mustache he spent months hanging himself from the noses of passing strangers, never coming out of character until a violent sneeze shook him free.

 Arthur often took roles behind the camera, it is a little known fact that it was his genius that saw him single handed choreograph all the non dancing elements for "Singin' in the Rain". In one particular scene Donald O'Connor was required to walk from one end of the set to the other, but the star was forbidden to perform the sequence because of insurance restrictions. Arthur was used as a stand in and his performance is considered to have set the standard in filmed perambulation. In the following scene every move made that isn't a dance move was composed in minute detail by Arthur. Please take paticular note how during the scene the diction coach is sitting down for a a great deal of the routine. Arthur spent weeks putting together the posture required for actor Bobby Robson's performance, which took Bobby a staggering 87 takes to perfect such was the required detail.



Arthur's career finally came to a tragic end in 1959 when, during the filming of the classic chariot racing scene in Ben Hur, he was crushed to death. Charlton Heston sat on him whilst he was bending down to tie up his sandals.

Arthur Veronica "Yannie" Yanniviclovacistienberg has so many amazing credits to his long movie career and yet his name is unknown to all but the most avid motion picture historian. All of his accomplishments that still resonate in modern motion picture production today and yet he did not receive a single award.

Blog Paper is proud to bring to you The Yannie Award, named after this great pioneer. The award will presented to those involved in the production of any motion picture in the year previous that has otherwise gone unrecognised by any of the other major award ceremony. So, sit back, relax and enjoy all the glitz and glamor of the very first Yannie Awards and remember it would not have been possible had it not been for the lost golden era great that was Arthur Yanniviclovacistienberg.



Thursday, 23 February 2017

Introducing Blog Paper's Yannie Movie Awards - Take that the Oscars!!

It's awards time ladies and gentleman. In just a few days time the winners at the Oscars will be announced and we get watch a bunch of celebs in sparkly outfits accept their awards in floods of tears while other actors put in bids for best actor next year by pretending they do care that they didn't win again.

We are all aware that the Oscars, BAFTAS and many award ceremonies like them only ever celebrate movies of great artistic integrity, and there is nothing wrong with that. The Razzies celebrate movies with no artistic integrity what so ever, and even this has it's place. So where is the middle ground? Where is the award for the box office hits, or misses that we all just plain enjoyed because they offered escapism to the nth degree and probably involved explosiions and a bit of fruity language. There are so many films and great performances in them that will get over looked just because they weren't made in a manor house and had characters with apostophes in their names like D'arcy and T'revor.

So I aim to put that right. Here's a little video, featuring a handsome devil, to explain all about Blog Paper's new award - The Yannie.


So there we go, Sunday 26th February is going to be a star studded night filled with movie stars, directors, glitz and glamour. That's the Oscars for you, The Yannies may not be as fancy but it will be fun and will have way more jokes about flatulence and boogers.

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

A Bad Case of the Puns - A Masonry Nails Mystery

Chapter One
A Dame to Mildly Warn Somebody About Their Behaviour For

The name on the door says sliaN yrnosaM. That's me. I'm a detective. I am not a happy man. Using my finely tuned deductive skills I realised that the sign on my glass door was written to be read from the front and maybe I shouldn't have fired the sign writer so quickly. I had fired him through the window with a drop kick to the solar plexis. Maybe he didn't deserve it but that's life, it's tough and so am I. I am tougher than a week old, well done, rump steak but with more gristle round the edges,

I had to be tough, I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, so I was always getting on the wrong train. I wish I was from the wrong side of the tracks on the wrong side of town because then I would be headed in the right direction. The neighbourhood I lived in was so rough that even farts didn't linger about. I went to the school of hard knocks. They didn't have a doorbell, if you didn't knock hard no one would let you in.

I had just put the phone down to the glazier, I needed someone to fix a sign writer shaped hole in my window, when I saw a note had been pushed underneath the door. It was B#, I had subscribed to Sheet Music Monthly. Once a month they send you a different musical note until you have the complete score to the Star Wars trilogy. I stooped down to pick it up when the door suddenly swung open and hit me clean in the head, I flew backwards and fell in to the bin next to my desk. "Are you ok?" asked a voice. "No, I feel rubbish" I replied looking up to see where the voice had come from. Being near the floor I saw a shapely leg which was attached to a shapely everything else. I figured the voice came from the top of the shapes somewhere. I got up and looked in the mirror hanging on the wall, I had a mark on my forehead the shape of the lock on the door. I will have to go to hospital and have it removed, get me some of that keyhole surgery. I was in a lot of pain. I haven't been in this much pain since the case of the newspaper strangler and got my parts caught in the printing press. They were three feet long for two weeks, or was it two feet long for three weeks?

"I am looking for Nails, Masonry Nails." There was the voice again. "My name is Inane Chunterings, I have a case," She was right she did, a big blue one with wheels on the bottom and a handle. The kind you take with you when you are going on holiday or if you are running away from your murderous husband. "I am running away from my husband, I think he has murdered someone"

 See, told you so.

 I finally got around to looking at her face rather than my own in the mirror. I found it pretty fast, it was on the front of her head. She was woman, all women, unless parts of her I couldn't see were not, like that tall dame in Rio.

"Why do you think he is a murderer?" I asked whilst trying to escape the clutches of the waste paper bin which was still attached to my butt. She smiled at me with her eyes, looked me over with her mouth and listened to me with her nose. I could tell this girl was all messed up. "You see Mr. Nails my husband has been missing for days, his bank account has been emptied and this morning his business partner was found dead in his apartment." she explained, with a smouldering voice that could knock a man off his feet. Probably because her breath smelt like onions.

"If your husband is missing, why are you running away? Chances are he's on a plane to somewhere swanky Miami or Milton Keynes, anywhere that's a few hundred miles away from the body and your onion breath" I asked noticing a hole in this stories wafer thin plot already.
"I am not a very fast runner, Mr Nails. If he turns up, I want to have a head start on him." she replied making reasonable sense for someone countering a plot hole that had only just come up.

A sudden loud crash outside my office made the woman throw herself to the floor in shock. In doing so she knocked me over and I was in the bin again, If I kept doing this I am going to have to put myself on the side walk for collection Tuesday night. We looked out of the glass-less window and saw that a car had gone out of control and spun into the lamp post opposite my building.
"Don't worry, that happens all the time around here, all  part of living on skid row" I said in an effort to calm her down. When she saw the car her eyes widened bigger than dinner plates, the big serve kind that you take to the all you can eat restaurant from home so you can get larger portions.
"That's my husbands car. He has found me Mr. Nails! What are we going to do?"
"Well that depends," I answered looking up at the size of this Chapter "let's see how many views this post get's and see if it's worth while figuring it out."

TO BE CONTINUED....or not, depends if anyone's reading. Click this pages follow button to show the love, if we get enough of them MASONARY NAILS WILL RETURN!

Sunday, 22 January 2017

A post about hard work, friendliness and awesome strangers

Running a blog is hard work. You spend an inordinate amount of time putting together a decent post and even longer on social media trying to persuade people to visit your website to read said post. All this in hope that you might get a little bit of popularity and the net will start flinging wads of cash at you like it does for most teenagers out there who own an iPhone. To most, it seems all you need to do these days is put out a video on You Tube of someone jumping off a thing to try and land on another thing, whilst wearing a pair of skis,and do this all before a ping pong ball, which is rolling down an intricate maze of household objects in a precarious manner, bounces off a cat that is playing a banjo. Bam! Suddenly you are 18 and buying gold plated, monogrammed, toilet brushes.

It's not that easy, weather you put a lot of work into your internet output or not, the biggest card that is played in Internet stardom, like a lot of things in life, is luck. Then you have to work hard to keep that popularity once you have it, which is even harder than getting there in the first place.

Though I am working hard, I am not under any misconception that the bucks are going to coming shooting through the letterbox like so many invites to attend school at Hogwarts. However, I put together this site with the hope that some little bit of notoriety may be attributed to my particular brand of silliness. I am happiest when I see that more than three people have read a post and one of those people was in deepest, darkest Peru (who knew Paddington and his family had such good wifi!) That is good enough for me, unless someone fancies bunging me a few quid, don't get me wrong. Amazing Spider-man branded man-kinis don't buy themselves you know!

Since starting this venture, I have become aware just how many other people similar to me are out there doing the same thing. Not just from the blog and ping pong cat bouncing video communities. There are people from all different walks of life and career choice trying to make things happen for themselves. It's an obvious thing to say I guess, but all over social media, the more you plug your own work, you are made more aware of others doing the same with varying degree's of success.

You will also find people who have already made it, they have strove (stroved, striven...strivulated?), paid the dues and on their way to mountains of success in their chosen field. I have found that these people can be amazingly supportive and friendly. A like of a tweet or an instagram photo from a complete stranger very satisfying, especially if that same person keeps liking your output. It shows a level of enjoyment of your work from them that is, to me, more important than any monetary gain. Honestly, it is! These chaps and chapettes don't have to do this, they already have zillions of followers, it does get their info into your timeline, but I am sure they are aware it also helps you out by getting you in theirs. Which is a lovely thing to do in this digital age where we are all mostly aware of the unpleasant things that go on out there in internet land.

There are two people out there that have liked Blog Paper efforts in social media world that I would like to bring to your attention to. Not a big deal to them I am sure, but thanks to their likes on Twitter and Instagram a good few extra people came floating my way. Jamie Bernadette and Mack Kuhr are two actors that are working hard and making waves and have some pretty exciting stuff on the horizon.


JAMIE BERNADETTE


Very busy since hitting the scene in 2008, Miss Bernadette as a packed filmography on IMDb. Just reading the list of projects shows her trajectory, swapping bit parts in features and shorts for leading roles in movies of every description. She seems to be making a name for herself as an upcoming Scream Queen as a number of her upcoming movies are of the horror genre, although she is a versitile actress taking on roles in everything from comedy to romantic drama. Most notable of the titles that feature on her coming soon quota is I Spit on Your Grave: Deja Vu. This is a direct sequel to the notorious 1978 classic horror/thriller rather than anothe follow up to the recent remake. The movie also stars Camille Keaton, reprising her role from the first movie and is written and directed by also returning Meir Zarchi.

Jamie is certainly cutting swathes through the horror category, most excitingly with "The 6th Friend" which she not only stars in but also co-wrote and produced. The movie centers around a group of college friends who throw a graduation party which ends tragically after an uninvited guest arrives. Five years later the girls gather again ti endure a night of terror and bloodshed! The movie has already won Jamie two best actress awards and best picture at two major horror festivals.



You can also check out some of her other work, such as All Girls Weekend and Let's Be Evil, via all  usual outlets. So it is onwards and upwards for Miss Bernadette and we look forward to keeping up with all her future efforts.

MACK KUHR

Mr. Kuhr is also a very busy chap. His resume includes appearances in the amazing John Wick and its' upcoming sequel. His IMDB entry is littered with some very cool movies and t.v. shows, however, the fact that I received an Instagram like message from someone who was in 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot made me a very cool dude indeed in the eyes of my children!


Any ladies who espouse the old adage that men can not multi task only need to look at Mack's list of career options to realise there is the odd one or two of us out there that are spinning plates like there is no tomorrow. Actor, Stuntman, Model, Voice Actor, the list goes on. I'd imagine that he can also make a pretty mean cup of coffee if a role required it, probably whilst laying some smack down on a baddie and saving a kitten from a tree.

Mack has popped up in innumerable popular t.v. shows such as Ugly Betty, Gossip Girl and Gotham. He also made an appearance in Jessica Jones another title that got the Blog Paper household very excited.

It is another of his upcoming ventures that look like an exciting one to watch, Sci Fi Thriller Alterscape, starring bonefide legend Michael Ironside. It is the first feature from writer/director Serge Levin who is currently linked to the next in the ReAnimator franchise. The movie, which should be released in July, is the tale of a young man, suffering from depression, who submits himself for a series of trials developed to fine tune human emotions. His unique reaction to the experiment sends him on a journey beyond physical and perceived reality.


So thanks to these two awesome people for the support they showed me with a few happy clicks on their preferred social media sites. A simple thing, even if done on a whim, but helped me out immensely. That kindness deserves a kindness. My hope is their work, tweets and posts will suddenly saur in popularity because of this little entry. If one more person in deepest, darkest Peru takes a look at their projects then my work is done. So please, check the links above their official sites, go see their movies and t.v. shows. Oh, and don't forget to tell everyone www.blogpaper.co.uk sent you!

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Blog Paper's 1st Annual Slightly Late New Year's Address to the Universe

Another year has passed, another festive season is over and quickly becoming another faded memory of extra calories and arguments over why we have to let Grandma watch the Queen's speech when it clashes with the Doctor Who special on the telly. As we roll, generally jaded,out of 2016 into 2017 it is very important to look forward to looking backwards as a rather unpleasant year disappears over the horizon. After all, when you look at how horrible somethings have been for many people around the world, at very least whilst it may fill you full of sympathy and compassion, it makes you realise your life isn't as bad as all that really.

It is important to remember how lucky a lot of us have been this last year. I thought of this as I toyed with the new iPhone I had received from Santa. I had been a very good boy this year as was evidenced by my lovely new phone. I think that the incident with next door's fish tank and the oscillating electric fan last summer might have been held against me but somehow I must have got away with it, However, as well earned my gift was on the good boy stakes, I am still a very lucky soul. Many out there in the world are not lucky enough to have been given an iPhone. Thousands around the world, due to their mitigating circumstances, have only a Samsung Galaxy to play with. Imagine the hardship they suffer as they wake up on Christmas morning to unwrap an S7, the joy spreading across their poverty stricken faces, only to have it wiped off again when they find themselves missing three fingers because the phone blew up when they were playing Angry Birds.

We should also turn our thoughts towards those who have been affected by war last year, one conflict in particular was prevalent in the minds and hearts of many. We saw the tragedy of friends being torn apart, how soldiers who once stood together on the battlefield can become bitter enemies. The ravages of a simple disagreement rip apart teams of valiant men and women who only days before shared the bonds of and extended family. On the plus side, however, the bit with Spider-man in it was really good.

Every year that passes should be a learning curve for everyone, not least us here at Blog Paper Publication and Laundry Services. If there is one thing that has entered our book of life lessons learned in 2016 that I would impart to you is this :-

Never, under any circumstances, let the internet know that you really liked the Ghostbusters reboot unless you want people to refer to you with some very rude words some of which you may need to look up in the dictionary. Some may even feel the need to write you a very personal e-mail all in red with the caps lock on.

Not all lessons have to be made from negative aspects of life. Last year, budding directors and screenwriters a like were taught if you a have a pretty shoddy movie to make but you throw in scenes of a saucy lady in hot pants bending over every five minutes, your audience will be throwing buckets of money at the box office to get a look at bit of saucy bot cleavage. Plot, style and content can all be thrown out of the window.You don't even have to have cohesion between scenes! Genius! I guess this is nothing new (I just wanted to get in a sly wink to Suicide Squad so I can legitimately put a tag in for it on this post).

However, overall here are the most important life lessons we have learnt that we will carry with us through 2017:-

Never look a gift horse in the mouth, if you bought the horse yourself you can look in it's mouth whenever you like.

You should never smile at a Crocodile, especially if you have been eating broccoli in case you have some caught in your teeth.

The Grass is always greener on the other side, so grow tall shrubs in the front garden to block the sun from the neighbours lawn.

If it ain't broke then don't fix it, unless it is poor grammar skills. I had a friend with bad Grammar skills, he could never remember if he played Frasier or Niles.

Never beat around the bush because you may end up barking up the wrong tree out of curiosity and end up killing a cat.

Never the twain shall meet because they live too far apart and the bus routes are poor.

All this said the most important thing we have learnt that we can impart to you today is this. Never take two weeks to write an iffy blog post that you meant put up on Christmas Day.

Happy New Year to you all! Have a wonderful 2017.
 Much Love.
XXX