Saturday, 24 December 2016

Trevor the Elf - A Christmas Story for Adults

Trevor the Elf was hoping for better luck this year. Much better luck indeed.

Every year, the week before Christmas, Clifford the Elf who was in charge of human resources at Santa H.Q. in the North Pole, would give out the last minute positions to all the other elves working in sector 7474505b. There were all sorts of jobs that needed to be done with the up most efficiency to help Santa prepare for another successful Christmas time. Toys need to be made, boxes need to wrapped, candy canes have to have the red stripes painted on them. All the elves tried to be good all year round to make sure they got the most exciting and helpful jobs. Being on their best behavior all year for an elf is the same as being good for children all around the world, it keeps them off the naughty list. However, instead of being given presents, all the good elves are given the tasks that every good elf deserves to do at Chritmas time, like chocolate tester or being the elf that checks to see how slidey socks are on wooden floors.

Trevor always got the rotten jobs. It's not that he was a particularly bad elf but he had a habit of getting himself involved in mischief and therefore straight on the naughty list. Last year he he was having a game of conkers with his friend Neville. Trevor got over excited and swung his conker a bit too hard and lost his grip on the string. The conker flew through the air, bounced off Neville's head and came to land in a bag of Santa's favorite hard boiled sweets. Later that evening, when Santa had sat down to watch North Pole's Got Talent on the telly, all settled and cosy with a hot cup of tea and a bag of sweeties, he bit into the conker! Crunch went his teeth! "Ouch" went Santa! Ping went Santa's bridge work! He then spent the next day with Norris the Elf Dentist and his team having some very expensive dental work done.

Trevor was always in trouble and always in Santa's bad books. Trevor was always having to do things that all the other elves didn't want to once Christmas week came around. Once he was put in charge of Fizzy Pop quality control. He had to make sure all the bottles of fizzy pop had the right amount of bubbles in them (which is 7,353, which I am sure you already knew). He kept loosing count and getting told off by Clifford. Once when he was on duty in the Fizzy Pop division, Trevor fell in a barrel of Orange Soda and had to swallow lots to save himself from drowning. Once he was out he let out a horrendous burp so loud that the blast knocked seven other elves off their feet and three more shot up in the air in fright.

The following year, he was put in the Reindeer maintenance department. Looking after Reindeer is not an easy task for an elf as they are so small and the animals are so amazingly big. Santa's Reindeer are of course magical beasts and require an awful lot of looking after. The first thing Trevor had to do was clean the Reindeer's hooves. Well, he couldn't get them to stand still at all. Dasher is a particularly bad fidget. Trevor kept getting trodden on! It happened so often that he would come home every evening and his head was completely flat, so much so that Mrs Trevor the Elf would use it to do her ironing on.\

The worst part of having to take care of Reindeer was having to polish their antlers. An elf being so teeny and antlers, being so unfeasibly huge, the task of climbing to the top of the antler is like you or I having to climb the largest tree in the forest. Trevor was not very good at climbing and was always getting stuck. The Elf Fire Department had to keep coming out to get him down from Prancers horns.

Trevor had tried extra hard this year to not get into trouble. He felt like he had done an excellent job and was sure he would be checking the bounciness of marshmallows in no time at all. There was only one minor incident he could think of involving a penguin, a slippery bar of soap and a vacuum cleaner, and even then he didn't feel he was entirely to blame.

The time had come for the roles to be handed out. Trevor sat in his seat next to Neville in the big meeting hall where all the elves had congregated to find out what they would be getting up to for the week ahead. Trevor noticed some of them had tied knots in their pointy hats for luck. Thinking it was a good idea he cursed himself because he left his pointy hat at home for Mrs Trevor the Elf to starch so it was particularly stiff and pointy ready for Christmas Day. Instead, he decided to tie a knot in the end of his curly elf shoe, in fact he did both, just to be on the safe side.

Clifford stood on the little stage in front of everyone, gave the microphone in the stand a little tap to make sure it was on, and began to call out names of elves and the jobs that they were to be doing. The tension in the room was immense, many elves were sitting on the edge of their seat, shuffling about with nervous energy, Neville had to get up and go to the toilet three times he was so excited!

One by one the jobs were given out. Hilda got Stocking Stuffer. Grahame was given yo-yo string length measurer. When Leopold was made Playstation 4 game consultant he leapt out of his seat and shouted in glee, blowing raspberries at the other elves as he went, automatically getting himself on the naughty list and demoted to "Rubik's cube sticker sticker-on-er-er" - a job so hard it's even difficult to say. "Oh, bum" he whispered to himself as he sulked off, which got him demoted even further and he was re-assigned to "Glue on the back of envelope taste tester". Leo kept himself quiet to avoid any further ramifications.

Soon there were very few elves left in the hall and most of the good jobs were gone. Trevor was loosing hope quickly and decided to undo the lucky knots in his shoes. As he bent over to untie them he heard his name being called.

"Trevor the Elf, you are on welly boot cleaning duty" said Clifford into the microphone. Trevor shot upright with a look on his face that managed to show confusion, disbelief and anger all in one go. "Welly boot cleaning!" he said through his clenched teeth "God dammit!" he swore, provoking an immediate gasp from the rest of the elves. "Do you know how many pairs of boots Santa has? Last time I did that I fell in one and it took three days for anyone to find me!" Clifford, looking uncomfortable about the situation walked over to Trevor and put a hand on his shoulder "Calm down Trevor please" he requested quietly. Trevor grabbed Clifford's hand from his shoulder and twisted the fingers backwards as a sudden wave of rage overcame him. Something in his little elf head went snap."Calm down" Trevor shouted "Calm down! When I fell in that boot I had to eat bits of old sock and toe cheese just to survive!" He pushed a little harder on Clifford's fingers " Please take it easy." Clifford squealed. Suddenly, the years of pent up anger took over Trevor's mind, his face went as red as a Christmas Bauble, the curly ends of his shoes went out straight and his pointy hat stood right up on end. "You take it easy" Trevor growled as be threw largest punch in North Pole history at Clifford's chin. It connected and immediately six of Clifford's teeth flew from his mouth in all directions. The force of the blow briefly lifted him out of his shoes and into the air before he landed with a crash into the microphone behind him, causing the P.A. system whistle with feedback. Trevor looked at Clifford on the floor "You shouldn't be lying down on the job." he sneered.

Two elves grabbed Trevor from behind in an effort to take control of the situation. Trevor swiftly swung his arms downwards, his fists catching both of his captors in their gentleman's area. "Looks like I jingled your bells for you" he punned. More elves rushed towards him but Trevor was now starting to enjoy the adrenaline rush he was suddenly experiencing, his rage was in control and he no longer had use of all his faculties. He jumped into the air and performed a triple somersault, pulling down a string of fairy lights from the ceiling as he spun before making the perfect landing behind his attackers. In one swift move he lassoed three of them, around the neck with the blinking decorations. "Let me light up your life" he quipped as he pulled the cord tight. In his hurry he pulled much harder than he thought he was capable, the cable of lights went through the necks of all three as if they were made of soft cheese. "No need to loose your head" Trevor advised them has their noggins bounced off the floor and blood fountained from their neck holes.

More elves entered the fray and Trevor quickly snapped off some of the candy canes that were conveniently growing in a pot to the side of him. He threw them at the on coming gang, spearing several of them through the middle with the hard, minty sweet. "Tsk" Trevor tsked "Fancy coming to work and getting completely cained!"

As he ran through the hall more and more elves tried to stop him but his anger, that had been building up for so many years after being given all the lousy work to do, had given him the strength of a dozen elves (which is about the same as one and half human chaps). He punched, kicked and gouged his way through the lot. He poked out eyes, he broke noses and ripped out entrails, Elves come apart very easily it seemed. All of a sudden he was cornered. Thinking quickly he up rooted a Christmas tree from it's stand and swung it about knocking elves flying and unconscious "Tree-mendous" he screamed. There were only two other elves now left in the room, one turned to run away, no longer feeling it necessary to be brave and save the day. Trevor lunged the end of the Christmas tree at his fleeing colleague and shoved it straight up the poor elf's bottom, he push so hard the tree traveled all the way through the poor elf's body before coming out of his gaping mouth. The elf had his arms and legs splayed out in shock "You're a star" Trevor pointed out of the Elf at the top of the tree as he planted it back in it's pot.

There were bodies everywhere. The hall was littered in dead elves, all covered in blood, guts and groo. There were so many, a hill had formed in the middle of the room. The last surviving elf tried to scramble to the top of it but it was far too slippery and he fell over as he trod on an eyeball that rolled underneath his foot. Suddenly he felt something get jammed over his head. Trevor had snuck up behind him and put a Christmas stocking over his head and then tightened the draw string around his neck. "Don't forget your stocking fillers" he screamed in the captured elf's ear. Just before the oxygen finally ran out of the stocking Trevor lifted the elf up into the air and bought him down hard onto his bent knee. The elf snapped in two with a loud crack, his guts and blood spilling out all over Trevor. "What a cracker" Trevor howled. He stood on top of the hill of bodies laughing maniacally as he surveyed all the devastation he had caused.

Neville backed out of the lavatory door, doing up his fly, as he turned around and looked up at the room he suddenly came to realise what had just happened. "Oh no, Trevor was on the naughty list again!" he said with a shrug.

Merry Bloody Christmas!

Thursday, 22 December 2016

Trevor The Elf - A Christmas Story for Children

Trevor the Elf was hoping for better luck this year. Much better luck indeed.

Every year, the week before Christmas, Clifford the Elf who was in charge of human resources at Santa H.Q. in the North Pole, would give out the last minute positions to all the other elves working in sector 7474505b. There were all sorts of jobs that needed to be done with the up most efficiency to help Santa prepare for another successful Christmas time. Toys need to be made, boxes need to wrapped, candy canes have to have the red stripes painted on them. All the elves tried to be good all year round to make sure they got the most exciting and helpful jobs. Being on their best behavior all year for an elf is the same as being good for children all around the world, it keeps them off the naughty list. However, instead of being given presents, all the good elves are given the tasks that every good elf deserves to do at Chritmas time, like chocolate tester or being the elf that checks to see how slidey socks are on wooden floors.

Trevor always got the rotten jobs. It's not that he was a particularly bad elf but he had a habit of getting himself involved in mischief and therefore straight on the naughty list. Last year he he was having a game of conkers with his friend Neville. Trevor got over excited and swung his conker a bit too hard and lost his grip on the string. The conker flew through the air, bounced off Neville's head and came to land in a bag of Santa's favorite hard boiled sweets. Later that evening, when Santa had sat down to watch North Pole's Got Talent on the telly, all settled and cosy with a hot cup of tea and a bag of sweeties, he bit into the conker! Crunch went his teeth! "Ouch" went Santa! Ping went Santa's bridge work! He then spent the next day with Norris the Elf Dentist and his team having some very expensive dental work done.

Trevor was always in trouble and always in Santa's bad books. Trevor was always having to do things that all the other elves didn't want to once Christmas week came around. Once he was put in charge of Fizzy Pop quality control. He had to make sure all the bottles of fizzy pop had the right amount of bubbles in them (which is 7,353, which I am sure you already knew). He kept loosing count and getting told off by Clifford. Once when he was on duty in the Fizzy Pop division, Trevor fell in a barrel of Orange Soda and had to swallow lots to save himself from drowning. Once he was out he let out a horrendous burp so loud that the blast knocked seven other elves off their feet and three more shot up in the air in fright.

The following year, he was put in the Reindeer maintenance department. Looking after Reindeer is not an easy task for an elf as they are so small and the animals are so amazingly big. Santa's Reindeer are of course magical beasts and require an awful lot of looking after. The first thing Trevor had to do was clean the Reindeer's hooves. Well, he couldn't get them to stand still at all. Dasher is a particularly bad fidget. Trevor kept getting trodden on! It happened so often that he would come home every evening and his head was completely flat, so much so that Mrs Trevor the Elf would use it to do her ironing on.

The worst part of having to take care of Reindeer was having to polish their antlers. An elf being so teeny and antlers, being so unfeasibly huge, the task of climbing to the top of the antler is like you or I having to climb the largest tree in the forest. Trevor was not very good at climbing and was always getting stuck. The Elf Fire Department had to keep coming out to get him down from Prancers horns.

Trevor had tried extra hard this year to not get into trouble. He felt like he had done an excellent job and was sure he would be checking the bounciness of marshmallows in no time at all. There was only one minor incident he could think of involving a penguin, a slippery bar of soap and a vacuum cleaner, and even then he didn't feel he was entirely to blame.

The time had come for the roles to be handed out. Trevor sat in his seat next to Neville in the big meeting hall where all the elves had congregated to find out what they would be getting up to for the week ahead. Trevor noticed some of them had tied knots in their pointy hats for luck. Thinking it was a good idea he cursed himself because he left his pointy hat at home for Mrs Trevor the Elf to starch so it was particularly stiff and pointy ready for Christmas Day. Instead, he decided to tie a knot in the end of his curly elf shoe, in fact he did both, just to be on the safe side.

Clifford stood on the little stage in front of everyone, gave the microphone in the stand a little tap to make sure it was on, and began to call out names of elves and the jobs that they were to be doing. The tension in the room was immense, many elves were sitting on the edge of their seat, shuffling about with nervous energy, Neville had to get up and go to the toilet three times he was so excited!

One by one the jobs were given out. Hilda got Stocking Stuffer. Grahame was given yo-yo string length measurer. When Leopold was made Playstation 4 game consultant he leapt out of his seat and shouted in glee, blowing raspberries at the other elves as he went, automatically getting himself on the naughty list and demoted to "Rubik's cube sticker sticker-on-er-er" - a job so hard it's even difficult to say. "Oh, bum" he whispered to himself as he sulked off, which got him demoted even further and he was re-assigned to "Glue on the back of envelope taste tester". Leo kept himself quiet to avoid any further ramifications.

Soon there were very few elves left in the hall and most of the good jobs were gone. Trevor was loosing hope quickly and decided to undo the lucky knots in his shoes. As he bent over to untie them he heard his name being called.

"Trevor the Elf" Clifford began "Now this is very interesting, I have a memo from head office here. Please report to the Managing Director at once." Trevor nearly fainted. He turned to ask Neville what he thought it could mean, but he wasn't there, he was back in the toilet again. Trevor jumped up from his seat and rushed in the direction of the office of the big man himself. He figured he must be in really big trouble this time and probably shouldn't keep the boss waiting. Best to get this over and done with.

When he got to the office, with it's ornate, giant wooden doors, Trevor jumped up and gave the knocker, which was shaped like an "S", a bang. Immediately the doors slowly swung open to reveal an office. It was covered in all sorts of Christmas decorations. There was a lovely Christmas tree covered in baubles and tinsel. Fairy lights blinked in every corner and a fireplace gave the room a cosy glow. In the middle of the room was a desk piled high with letters, behind one of the piles Trevor could see the top of a red hat bobbing about.

"Ah, Trevor, thank you for coming" a voice said from underneath the bobbing hat and behind the pile of letters "I am just finishing off replying to a letter I got from young Thomas in England. I think he is going to be very happy this Christmas you know"

Trevor had never been in his presence before, he was very nervous but at the same time was a little excited to finally meet his hero. Santa Clause!

Santa got up from his desk and walked around to the front of it. He was bigger than Trevor had imagined and had far more cookie crumbs in his beard than he would have expected. Trevor decided best not to tell him they were there in case he got told off. "It's a pleasure to meet you sir" Trevor said timidly, with a bit of a nervous gulp. Santa looked Trevor up and down, which didn't take long because Trevor is so small. "Trevor, I have been told about your behavior this year and felt it best that we get started on your new employment straight away" he said. Trevor panicked and tried to blurt out an explanation "I'm sorry Santa I have tried so hard to be good this year, I really did. I don't think I did much wrong and the penguin was alright - we got him out eventually!"

Santa walked over to a door at the back of his office, and beckoned Trevor to follow him without saying another word. As he pulled it open, Trevor saw the one thing he never thought he would set eyes on in a million years. Santa's Sleigh! Santa started to explain "This year Trevor you will be working with me in the old toboggan here, if that is alright with you. I have so many presents to give out around the world I need the best man for the job to help me out. You have been exceedingly good this year and went to the top of the good list you know. You even got a gold star for achievement...I have a badge for that somewhere." Santa checked the sack at the back of the sleigh, some elves were starting to fill it with packages of all shapes and sizes, wrapped in brightly coloured paper with ribbons and bows on. He looked at the tags on some of the gifts "I see Maddie has been very good again this year, and Jake and his brother Harry. Here is one for Lillian, I shall look forward to dropping this of at her house."

Trevor couldn't believe it and almost fainted again. He wasn't in trouble at all! He had finally done it, all his good deeds had paid off. He had the best job....ever! He spent all week training how to use the sat nav in the sleigh, how to help Santa get down a chimney (you push....really hard) and where the shovel was kept in case he needed to clean up after Rudolf. Trevor was the happiest elf in the whole of the North Pole and couldn't wait for Christmas to come when he would zoom around the world helping Santa to make all the boys and girls as happy as he was.

Merry Christmas!

Sunday, 11 December 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged - w/c 5th December 2016


The headlines are true, some of the facts may very well not be!


George Lucas has had a preview screening of next weeks big release Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Apparently George liked it a lot. He was rather taken aback by the full bodied story, good acting, well rounded characters and decent dialogue. "I didn't know you could do that" he was thought to be heard mumbling before he was seen running from the screening straight into an editing suite yelling "Do over!" and starting to furiously re-edit Star Wars Episodes 1 - 3 again.


In further Rogue One news. Positive reactions abound as press members were treated to a viewing of 28 minutes of footage from the movie. The footage showed that the movie will be grittier and seems to contain some relentless action scenes whilst new droid K-2S0 steals the show. The journalists lucky enough to be invited to the screening took straight to twitter, here are some of their views:-

@moviesquirt - "Amazed that the rebels are shown to have stolen the wrong blue prints and manage to take down the planetary defenses of Alderaan"

@projectthis - "Aunt Beru is one hot momma! #poledancingscene

@starwarsbores - "No opening crawl! How are we supposed to know what has happened previously!"

@Framemyparts - "Awesome - the Death Star plans have a Starbucks, Footlocker, a Walmart  and feature plenty of disabled parking"


The box office take for Doctor Strange has surpassed that of Iron Man to make Marvel Studios latest entry the most successful solo character outing in their canon. Tony Stark insists that the Doc cheated by counting the box office dollars from theaters in other dimensions as well as our own. 




The Universal Studios Monsters Extended Universe is soon to get underway with The Mummy being released from it's tomb next year. This week saw the release of the trailer for the Tom Cruise action/horror epic. Originally, the universe was to be kicked off with Dracula Untold in 2014. Universal announced this week that this is no longer the case, probably due to that film only having modest success at the box office. If The Mummy does not strike box office gold then Universal have prepared a further statement that it is also no longer the start of the Monsters franchise and that next movie in line, the as yet untitled Invisible Man movie, will be the official start of the universe. If Invisible Man bombs out then a further statement will be made that The Wolfman is the official start of the timeline, and so on until someone gets it right. 


Moana is still cleaning up at the box office. If you are one of those movie maniacs that like to look for Easter eggs in your Disney movies you can find characters from Frozen, Wreck It Ralph, Aladdin and others in the background of certain scenes in the beach based adventure. If you look hard enough you can also see cleverly hidden pictures of Mickey Mouse, Darth Vader and Iron Man beating the living snot out of the Ninja Turtles, Superman and Batman whilst throwing spare box office dollars at them as they lie buckled, bruised and crying in the sand. You have to look really hard for that one.


Armie Hammer has been teasing fans with tweets suggesting that he has been signed up for a new major role. Internet buzz suggests he could now be involved in the DCEU Green Lantern Corps movie, which rings true as the former Lone Ranger is well known for getting involved in long running, majorly successful franchises.*


Spider-man: Homecoming had a trailer released this week and already it is looking like the movie really should be sub-titled Home Run! Following up on his cameo in Captain America: Civil War, Tom Holland looks like he has got the title role nailed. We also get brief glimpses of The Vulture and Shocker as the movie villans, looking all futuristic and naughty like. We at unclogged feel that this film is likely to be the greatest Marvel release yet, which is quite a statement as everything they ever do is amazing and a perfect work of art. Little can be told about Homecoming as yet but, just from this trailer alone we can tell that every single frame will be worthy of an Oscar. I am sure the internet will crash a million times over with entire population of earth trying to pre-book tickets for multiple screenings. We say this and we haven't actually seen the movie, but maybe some kind and generous and handsome and/or beautiful employee at Marvel Studios would be gracious enough to send us tickets and merchandise so we can write so much more butt lickery like the above about this shining achievement in motion picture production. Blog Paper: Unclogged - bringing you unbiased bribery based journalism at it's very best.


Fan favorite actor Michael Rooker shared a picture of the new look for his, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2, character Yondu on social media this week. His metal, arrow controlling head nubbin is now a full on fin. The internet is a quiver with movie nuts trying to guess what the fin will be used for. Most likely assumptions are that it is an Ariel for satellite television, for scaring small children whilst swimming at the beach or it's a butter knife. Another popular theory is that Yondu actually has a swiss army head with many different appendages for uses as diverse as being a cork screw to one for getting stones out of a horses hoof.

And finally...

The Rock this week has been very upset at the news that he has gone through another week without an announcement for a future project for him to add to his current rosta of 757 up coming movies. The word is that on the set of Jumanji 2, in a sudden bout of rage, the mightily muscled one grabbed co-star Kevin Hart and accidentally snapped him in two


*You know this is sarcasm right? It's really hard to write a gag like this without putting everything in italics and thus treading on the subtlety that I am aiming for. Of course you got it though because you are an intelligent well read individual. I can tell just by looking at you...have you done something new with your hair by the way? You look fabulous!**

** This too should be in italics



Friday, 25 November 2016

Sucking the Life Out of Cinema with "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle"

When I first thought about starting Blog Paper I wanted to get the readers involved somehow. I came up with what I thought was a fantastic idea, get people to e-mail in suggestions of movies to review, preferably ones that they think others may not have seen or heard of before. Even better if these movies have a bit of a reputation for being a bit poo. A lot of movies that have tanked in the theater can actually be beloved by many whether their bad rep is deserved or not. So let give these little triers a go, see if we can get them to reach a larger audience and find other people to love and cherish them.

Last week I had my first recommendation, given to me by Laura from Wales, 1990 British horror opus "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle". Laura tells me it falls in the so bad it is good catagory. However, the poster for the film sports a quote from horror legend Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi. "It's really horrible" is Sam's take on the movie and never a before has a quote been so fitting. I am afraid Laura, I side with Sam. This is a truly horrible motion picture.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle
1990 Rated 18 (U.K)  Duration 101mins
Directed by Dirk Campbell
Written By Mycal Miller and John Wolskel
Starring Neil Morrissey, Michael Elphick  and Anthony Daniels


In the movies opening scene a non specific cult is summoning demons by a fire in a back alley, like they often do. The cult's leader is possessed by a demon he has summoned from the depths of hell before being killed by a biker gang who happen to be passing by with a crossbow and murder on their minds. He falls, dead, into a fire only to pull himself out, all zombied up and crispy. The demon inside him, in seeing the titular motorcycle, decides to drain himself, via the blood oozing from the crispy gentleman's neck, into the petrol tank. Presumably it thought it would get about a bit quicker in motorbike form rather than as a shambling zombie. The bike is now possessed thanks to its new bloody fuel and very angry despite getting very good miles to the gallon.


The bike is bought by our hero, Nick Oddie, or, in the first of many very bad jokes, Noddy to his friends. He works on the bike in his garage during the day but for some strange plot driven reason, he can not get it to go until night fall when it suddenly springs to life! The bike, when left to it's own devices pops out of an evening and randomly kills and maims people from dusk till dawn. The naughty cycle (which would have been a much better title for this shocker), half way through the film, randomly spawns spears from it's wheels and spiky, pointy things that are very handy for mutilating people with. 


Noddy's best friend is beheaded by the dreaded two wheeled vamp, by no means shocked by the news and Noddy takes his girlfriend, Kim, out on a date, either to commiserate with each other or celebrate, it isn't really made clear. The bikers from earlier in the story, who have a habit of showing up to add some ineffectual menace and provide guilt free victims for the motorbike throughout the movie, pop in for a bit of a punch up with Noddy. Luckily, the pub they have decided to frequent is one of the few in England that has a medieval banquet hall, sitting through a door out the back, complete with swords and wooden chandeliers for swinging on. Just right for the setting of a bar room bawl. During the scrap Noddy's girlfriend, decides showing off her gymnastic skills and doing a few wobbly cartwheels is a fantastic way to take out her opponents by sheer bewilderment.


What is the best thing to do after being the victim of psychical abuse by a group of crossbow wielding hooligans, go for a bite to eat obviously! Which is exactly what our hero decides to do. His girlfriend is whisked off by the bike, who seems a bit angry after she has the audacity to order garlic prawns from a Chinese take away. It is by the power of MSG, it seems, that Noddy suddenly realises, that his motorbike is the root cause of all the bother. He is quick then to enlist the help of Ninja star throwing priest, C3-PO, Anthony Daniels. 

All the silliness leads to a final showdown in a gym, or a large garage with some weights and a sunbed in it that we are left to presume is a gym because there are a few blokes in their wearing leotards and have big muscles. It is either a gym or a gay bar. After further tussles in which all teh beefy chaps are offed, the bikes final nemesis turns out to be the dastardly sun bed, who's rays are used to melt the hideous monster thus saving the day. I believe this scene  is cribbed from the original ending of Bram Stoker's Dracula.


BLOG PAPER VERDICT: BEST WATCHED DRUNK!

The movie kept me watching until the end in utter bemusement. I must have been entertained to some degree despite the proceedings being neither scary, horrific or funny. I would imagine that, whilst filming, the crew were intending to go for an American Werewolf tongue in cheek vibe but just didn't have the wit, imagination or budget to pull it off.

The monster of the piece is hardly the scariest committed to celuloid. The evil  personification of transportation devices isn't the first port of call when making a horror movie but nor is it an original one. I point you in the way of Christine or even Rubber if evil cars and/or bit of cars are your bag for a more effective fright. It doesn't help that the bike is so slow, meandering about the place with about as much speed and menace as pensioner trying to cross the street with a shopping trolley full of groceries.

The performances are woeful and makes you realize why Anthony Daniels has spent most of his career stuck inside a tin can. The star of the film Neil Morrissey is known in England mainly for his comedic roles, often playing the lovable oaf, but here even he can not bring the material up to any sort of comedic standard that would raise a chuckle. The late Michael Elphick has a brief role, as the detective on the case, that only exists to shoe horn in a protracted gag involving his bad garlicky breath ( I will let you guess what he does with it). Daniel Peacock plays Noddy's best friend and first to be offed by the killer bike and is later the part of a dream sequence in which he turns into a talking turd that dives into Noddy's mouth.

Whilst watching, you can feel that you are needed to understand this is terrible on purpose but it is all done so poe faced no one seems to have the fore thought throw in a few knowing winks to camera be it metaphoric or otherwise.

This film is not even so bad it's good. It leaves you numb, which is how I think I made it to the end, senseless other than some deep seeded hope that things would get better as the proceedings chunter along.

So why watch I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle? Because it is the perfect film to watch after a trip to the pub. If ou have just made it home, stinking of Jagermeister, with half a kebab down your chin and wearing a hat you don't remember going out in, you are in the perfect state to enjoy this movie. However if sober, watch it for no other reason than it has to be seen to be believed and used as a benchmark for all future bad films and pray that the boys over at Rifftrax some day use it for one of their hilarious commentaries.

.........................................

Can you top I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle for utter awfulness? 
Can you persuade me that your favorite, much , maligned film is actually a hidden a gem? 

Send your choices to ianblogpaper@gmail.com and click my follow button. In a desperate attempt to gain a readership only those who have used the follow button as well as e-mailed will qualify to have their movie reviewed. There is a link to the e-mail address, all handy dandy like, at the bottom of the page.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged! w/c 21st Nov 2016


The headlines are true, some of the details may well not be!



Mission Impossible 6 had it's release date set by Paramount this week. The new movie, again to star Tom Cruise, will be heading to the big screen on July 17th 2018. Cruise has already said that the film promises more incredible set pieces and what he thinks will be a very entertaining and compelling story. In an attempt to add some gritty realism, this time around Ethan Hunt and his team will go up against a billionaire despot who attempts to destroy the world by making the population run themselves through with sharp sticks rather than listen to his inane drivel and look at his stupid hair doo.


The follow up to this weeks biggest release Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is two years away from the big screen but it is already known that the action will take place in Paris, France. J.K. Rowling has stated on Twitter that another rumor that is doing rounds is untrue. Apparently, many fans have been lead to believe that the story takes place only two days after the events of the first film, J.K. tells us this is not the case. The Potterverse followers are now throwing their Bertie Botts Beans about in anticipation of confirmation of this intricate detail that may be the make or break of the film being worth seeing or not. One anonymous fan took to social media yesterday to say "Never mind the plot, characters or interesting special effects - we need to know if the story takes place on a Thursday!" In further Harry Potter developments Unclogged can exclusively reveal that we now know that J.K. does not stand for "Jiggly Knockers"


Paramount also announced "Downsizing" date this week. This turns out to be a new comedy to star Matt Damon and has nothing to do with redundancies being made due to the poor box office take on a lot of the studio's tent pole releases this year. The movie will be out December 22nd 2017 in case you fancied spending two hours of precious last minute Christmas shopping time in the cinema next year.


Lionsgate have hired writing duo Neil Widener and Gavin James to write Now You See Me 3. The pair have also been tasked with penning the screenplay for San Andreas 2. They have now earned a reputation as the team to go to for unlikely sequels. Next up on their to do list is Ishtar 2: Camels Ho! and Howard the Duck: Wings of Fury.


Micheal Keaton is confirmed to be playing avian based baddie The Vulture in Marvel Studios Spider-man: Homecoming. This could be the second part of the "Tweety Bird Trilogy" Keaton has been working on for some years. Following previous entry Birdman, the set could be concluded in him being cast in the reboot of The Crow. Most likely is a role in The Birds 2: Even More Birds or Howard the Duck 3: What the Quack!


The movie version of popular video game series Uncharted is finally expected to start filming next summer after being stuck in development hell for what seems forever. According to director Shaun Levy, the treasure seeking tale will not be another Indiana Jones or National Treasure, it will be an entirely different unique entity. This can only mean that the story line will be based on U.K's top 80's television game show sensation Treasure Hunt. Expect negotiations to start with the shows star Anneka Rice and her bottom very soon. (Trust me, the rest of the world and British citizens under 30,  that gag was very funny.)


First Olympus fell over and then London now Angel. Angel Has Fallen is the next in the series of action epics starring Gerard Butler, Angel being a reference to Air Force One, the plane that Harrison Ford had a spot of bother with a few years back. It seems that co-star Aaron Ekhart will not be along for the ride in his roll as the President of the United States. The story will now revolve around, bodyguard supreme,  Mike Banning being tasked with protecting President Trump. Mike decides it's really not worth his effort and Trump gets blown to smithereens by terrorists. A fourth in the series Jenga has Fallen is also in development.


New Disney animation Moana has had to have a title change in Italy due to it's similarity to the name of infamous Italian adult movie star Moana Pozzi. After forming a writers room to come up with a safer title for Italian theaters Disney toyed with changing the name to Groaner or Screamer before settling on Oceana. Look out for sequels to include  Deep Oceana and Oceana is Wet very soon.


Ellen Page is in Ireland working on new zombie movie "The Third Wave" at the moment. The movie has managed to come in under budget by filming locals leaving the pub instead of hiring actors to play zombies.


In a sudden flash of inspiration Hollywood have decided that what the world needs is another version of the Robin Hood story to be told. The movie will star Taron Egerton and Jamie Foxx and is produced by Leonardo DeCaprio. Apparently, the story is going to be told as it has never been told before. King John is to be a time travelling cyborg from the planet Kruud. Robin is given super powers from the mystical elves of the forest before having to use them to bring down the King and his hoard of evil, trained  Ninja Spider Monkeys. A final showdown will take place in the King's underwater lair.

You may remember, a few paragraphs back we mentioned new Disney treat Moana, which features the voice of muscle mountain Dwayne Johnson. When the movie is released there are only another 757 projects Dwayne has left on his up coming slate, but nothing new has been released for over three weeks. The drought of movie announcements for The Rock seems nowhere near an end. Rumors abound that if the problem is not seen to shortly it will be announced that Dwayne will be starring in a movie based on a weak running joke from an obscure movie blog site very soon.



Come back next week for more movie news that has been tinkered with a smidge.

Sunday, 13 November 2016

Doctor Strange - Entering New Realms in the Marvel Universe


Doctor Strange
Director: Scott Derrickson
Rated PG-13 (U.S.) 12a (UK)
Running Time 155mins
Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch Chiwetel Ejiofor, Rachel McAdams, Mads Mikkelsen, Tilda Swinton

Heading into the final straight of the year and the up coming months have a few cinematic tricks up their sleeve. with the possible exception of next weeks Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them none could hold more trickery than Marvel Studios latest entry Doctor Strange. I am sure by the time this goes out the movie will be well on it's way to $100 squillion at the box office despite it's disappointing lack of an exclamation mark after the title.

Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) is one of the worlds top neurosurgeons and egotists. After a spectacular car crash causes Strange to suffer severe, incurable, nerve damage he is forced to leave his pampered world of a great surgeon and is pushed towards a hitherto unknown world of magic and sorcery in  his quest to find a cure for his injuries.
He discovers an ex-patient Jonathon Pangbourn who has somehow overcome paraplegia. Pangborn tell him to seek out Kamar-Taj, to which Strange journeys. This mystic place in the Himalayas is where he meets the Ancient One who teaches him how to master the mystic arts and in doing so sets Strange on a new path soon colliding with Kaecilius (Mads Mikkelsen) who is trying to destroy the defenses that protect earth from the denizens of the dark dimension and bring about a new world order under the rule of Dormammu.


Doctor Strange is immediately identifiable as Marvel trying to open up their cinematic universe to allow for more of their supernatural elements and characters from their comic book ouvre to be introduced in later movies. In doing this, visually the movie is stunning. Its is filled with set pieces that place the action inside mind bending kaleidoscopic backdrops of incredible detail. It is at some times hard to follow everything that is going on in a given scene because you can find yourself trying to take in all the details. Probably the most impressive sequence is that when Strange has his mind opened for the first time to the multitude of dimensions that are available to him by the Ancient One. Strange falls through a twisty, turny mind melt of worlds patterns, colours, shapes and objects that all bleed into one the intricacy of which is staggering. This is also one cinema trip, in the literal hippy dippy definition of the word, that justifies the selling out of a few extra beans to see the 3-D version as it really does enhance the experience ten fold.


Of course to introduce the audience to such concepts means the script is chock full of mystic mumbo jumbo which for the first act is a bit top heavy and requires a great deal of concentration. This does peter out as the movie progresses and the story, as slim as it is, is allowed to take over. The script is fairly close in tone to Marvel's previous outing Ant-Man, with similar comedy chops, although nowhere near as funny - but it's doesn't really need to be. One element to the story that is worth pointing out is that it can be rather violent in places, for a Marvel movie, mostly early on with the likes of an off screen decapitation seen in the shadows and the graphic nature of Stephen Strange's injuries after his disastrous car crash may have younger members of the audience turning their heads away from the screen.

 It is because of the initial set up of the mystic arts that it feels like Stephen Strange is not allowed to have his character developed. The audience is fed major character detail with a few bit's of dialogue that helpfully tell us that Stevie has a great big arrogant personality with an Ego to match, but we do not see a huge amount of evidence of it. All the characters are not particularly well fleshed out but a dependable cast manage to sell them to us as believable constructs in a wholly unbelievable but very entertaining world. Cumberbatch is very good in the title role, but there is an elementary hint of Sherlock about him that just can't be mistaken. If nothing else he certainly looks the part, distinctly stepping out of the comic pages once his costume is complete with the addition of the cloak of levitation at the half way point of the film.


Tilda Swinton and Benedict Wong give stand out performances both having fun with their roles as The Ancient One and Wong. Rachel McAdams is also in the movie, and that's all you can really say about that, she isn't given a huge amount to do other than be the token love interest and even that isn't really built on to any degree.


Kaecilius, Mads Mikkelsen giving his bad guy muscles a stretch again, is effective giving Doctor Strange the purpose he needs to practice his new skills to save the world from having it's spectral defenses taken down allowing other worldly Dormammu to make us earthlings all miserable by being a big head in the sky with a boomy voice. (also played by Cumberbatch with a the help of C.G. trickery). The final show down against Strange and Dormammu is again very satisfying and somehow makes you wish that the rest of the story could have been scrubbed up to match it.

All told this is another great movie from Marvel Studios that takes their universe in an entirely new direction. The story is hampered in it's ambitions to unique in it's visuals and just being very quick to get on with the action, which is is essence no bad thing when both elements are of such high quality.





Friday, 4 November 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged! - Movie News w/c October 31st 2016


Welcome to Blog Paper: Unclogged! All the movie news you can use!

The headlines are real, some of the details may well not be.



Star Wars fans were excited this week when a description of Luke Skywalker's costume for Episode VIII made it online. Details simply suggest he will be wearing dark colours in training scenes of the movie not the slinky off the shoulder number with matching accessories some where hoping for.


Sherlock 3 is finally in development with Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law to reprise their roles from the hit franchise directed by Guy Ritchie. The movie has created a writer's room to bash the story and script into shape. It is expected that the plot will involve Holmes and Watson falling out and parting ways only to build separate crime fighting teams of ace detectives. Casting for Charlie Chan and Miss Marple has yet to be confirmed.


Kate Beckinsale, soon to be seen in Underworld: Blood Wars, was interviewed on "Late Night with Seth Meyers" this week where she admitted to enjoying arranging fruit into amusing phallic positions and doodling penises, thousands of male viewers complained as hey thought she had said "Diddling"


This Halloween the stars were dressing up for all the swankiest horror based parties. Taylor Swift wins the prize for best costume as she got to borrow a genuine Deadpool outfit from friend Ryan Reynolds. Apparently it was a bit of a tight fit, it took a lot of baby powder and three friends to help shake it off.


In a comic book you never heard of being developed into a movie news, Image "Huge in the early 90's" Comics "Enormous" is to be turned into a possible franchise. The book, which features giant monsters running riot in the city, will be transformed into a movie with possible virtual reality elements. Watching the movie with V.R. technology will giver the viewer the impression they are looking up at a giant, slobbering, gnashing maniac that wants to eat you alive - an experience not dissimilar to watching footage of the Trump campaign trail.


In more technical news. James Cameron has announced that he hopes to bring 3D technology forward with his up coming four Avatar sequels by developing a system that will not require glasses. The new movies are to be sponsored by Anadin and Nurofen.


It seems that unlikely sequel Escape Plan 2 has been given the green light with Sylvester Stallone attached to make a supporting appearance. It has not been confirmed if Arnold Schwarzenegger is involved this time around. The story will revolve around Sly having to escape from a maximum security rest home before wardens come to give him his bedtime coco.


Girl on the Train writer Erin Cressida is in talks to write the planned live action version of Disney's Snow White. Possible title could be Girl in the Forrest. This follows the trend for live action remakes of The Little Mermaid (Girl n the Water), Beauty and the Beast (Girl and the Hairy Fella) and Mulan (Girl that Pretends to be a Boy but is Actually a Girl). Also in development is the story of Rose Red, sister of Snow White, who after finding out that Snow has fallen under the wicked witches spell, sets off with the seven dwarfs to save her sister. If this is to be an action movie controversy will ensue as the dwarfs carry out their mission of rampant, blood soaked revenge. In keeping with the change of tone the seven dwarves will change their names to Mad Dog, Frenzy, Rampage, The Douche, Muscles, Buzzsaw and Doris.


No news on casting for the role of Snow White but maybe the Disney big wigs could throw the role towards poor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who is in the midst of the second week of a project announcement drought. Desperate measures maybe taken and if no announcements are made soon we will be hearing about The Tooth Fairy 3 and Snitch 2: Still Snitchin' just to keep Dwayne ticking over.



Tune in next week for more slightly tweeked movie news with Blog Paper: Unclogged!

Monday, 31 October 2016

Halloween Movie Review Special - The Early Grusome Work of Peter Jackson

The Witching season is upon us once again and the all the Ghosts and Ghoulies and Werewolves and Witches are out on the prowl trying to eat your brains or valet your car or some such evil thing of pure evilness. So any reasonably sane human being would stock up on milk and cookies, lock the doors and watch a bit of telly.
There are so many horror movies you could watch out there but we thought we would try and recommend a couple that you may not have heard of that come from a very unlikely source. So we would like to recommend to you the earliest films from Oscar winning director Peter Jackson in all their blood soaked wrongness!

Bad Taste, made in 1987, is a low-budget miracle of gore. It all the more fascinating being that was written, produced and directed by Peter Jackson who has gone on to make major waves in Hollywood with his full length documentary series about nature rambles in the Shire. The story follows Derek, Barry, Ozzy and Frank a military group sent to a small New Zealand town where the population has gone missing. They discover that aliens have invaded the town and sliced the towns folk into tender chunks and packed them in boxes, ready to use as fast food on their home planet.

Bad Taste is exactly that, you will need a strong stomach to get through some of the more unpleasant scenes. However, as gratuitous as some of the movie is it is inventive and hilariously funny. The star of the show is team member Derek – who after literally bashing his brains out after a nasty fall – goes a bit bonkers and will stop at nothing to bring about the downfall of the alien baddies. “I’m a Derek …and Derek’s don’t run” is a particularly brilliant battle cry.

The boys mow their way through the town of aliens leaving blood, guts and grue in their wake. It is all obviously very cheap to look at especially almost 30 years after it was made, but when you think that Jackson made all the effects himself, on a shoestring budget, they are very inventive in all their repulsiveness. The look of the movie adds to the enjoyment and the tounge in cheek humour as well as the near vomit inducing unpleasantness of it all. It is the fact that the film is so funny that help you pull through some of the more gratuitous gory moments.
This movie isn’t particularly scary but it is a definite must see for all you gore hounds out there.
All this said – the trailer I have found is truly awful and obviously suffers from having to have all the good bits left out for censorship reasons…which means it’s quite staggering that it’s more than three seconds long. Here it is for you to look at but trust me watch the movie in all its gory glory…which is very hard to say with a mouth full of towns person!


Now we have seen many horror movies in my time. Many are fantastic and many are Saw 3 – 7. No matter how good they are though there is only one nightmare cinema we have seen that, in the screening we went to, had no less than three members of the audience rushing out the door heading, hand over mouth, to lose £3.50’s worth of mega bucket popcorn into the lavatory. That movie was the greatest splatter movie ever made.

In 1992 soon to be Hobbit botherer Peter Jackson made his third censor bating motion picture Braindead or Dead Alive as it is known in the States. Bad Taste set a bar in unpleasantness that Braindead grabbed and threw javelin like through half a dozen zombies with a dizzy combination of clever set pieces, humour and  enough blood, grue and severed limbs to soak most of New Zealand….and a bit of Tasmania.

The story follows love-lorn hero Lionel, who is living under the thumb of his tyrannical mother Vera. His life is made all the more awkward when mother is bitten by a cursed  Sumatran Rat Monkey whilst on a trip to the local zoo. The bite turns Vera into a zombie and of course she manages to infect various locals, who in turn infect others, all for Lionel to have to deal with in a climatic zombie massacre involving a lawnmower that has to be seen to be believed.

Like Bad Taste before it the movie is chock full with inventive nastiness that will indeed have you reaching for, and into, a sick bag. It’s all done very tongue in cheek and with a Pythonesque sense of humour. In a dinner scene involving “nice and creamy” custard for desert, Vera’s ear falls off and is gobbled up in such away you will be so completely grossed out that you can’t understand why you are laughing. A standout scene of comic genius has the local Vicar taking out a gang of rockabilly zombies in a kung-fu fight that puts Bruce Lee to shame. “I kick ass for the lord!!!” is his sermon for the evening.

Braindead obviously had a much bigger budget than Bad Taste but is still obviously a pretty low one. However, Jackson works wonders with FX that we are treated to, among others, a zombie baby (that meets a particularly nasty end involving a blender) ,a  giant zombie and zombie guts attached to a brain stem that stops to preen itself in the bathroom mirror.

So this Halloween check out these amazing movies, probably best to wait until after you have had your tea, and see the beginning of the trajectory that lead Peter Jackson to become one of the greatest directors of all time, and ask yourself when he is going to get back to his splatter roots. Now, where did I leave those sick bags?

The Horror of A Thousand Cliches - A Blog Paper Original Chiller!

As the moon rises, and darkness falls, clouds cast shadows where shadows do not belong. As you wander lonely through the forest, the short cut home your friends told you about. Your friends that you left at the camping ground to finish getting drunk just before the midnight skinny dip in the bitterly cold lake. The same lake where all those crazy teenage kids years before went skinny dipping only to disappear, never to be heard of again. Only a bloody severed thumb was ever found in a tent by the authorities the next morning. 

A few minutes back you tried calling your friends when you thought you had clumsily gone off the trail that takes you to your front door. You were sure that you should have turned left at the make shift pet cemetery you passed. You make a mental note to come back soon and put straight the pussy cat grave you disturbed in the darkness. The call you made connected, but signal is bad in amongst these trees, you couldn't make out a voice as such interference on the line just sounded like heavy breathing, a throaty cough or growl. 

Crack! Behind you an almost imperceptible movement flickers across your peripheral vision, or did it? Something, or someone, must have made that noise. The air seems to become thicker, you notice a mist floating low, across the mossy floor of the forest. It seems to be coming from the graveyard with the glow of a low level radiation spill that lies just beyond the horizon and just in front of the Smithers house. 

How you used to laugh at all those stories you heard in the playground about old man Smithers. How he got fired from his job only to come home to find his wife cheating on him with Jeffery Bob Jenkinson the same guy that was given Smithers' job at the old saw mill. He went to the kitchen to get a drink only to find all his beer had been drunk by his alcoholic dog Stumbles. He sat down on his tired, worn out sofa with his tired, worn out butt, turned on the t.v. and all that was on was re-runs of American Idol. The rest was history, Smithers, his wife, Jenkinson and Stumbles all went missing that night. All that was found was a bloody severed thumb on the remote control. Some say Smithers went mad that night and and murdered everyone in the house before killing himself by chopping off his head with an axe by the old milestone in the woods - which is very hard to do and takes a huge amount of conviction. Others say he is now a sales assistant in the Southampton branch of Subway, in charge of pepperoni and the cups for the Pepsi machine.

The chill in the air cuts through you like a masked maniacs machete so you pull up the collar on your coat. More noises and the sudden appearance of a dozen bats flapping their way to the safety of the cave makes you quicken your pace, your footsteps speed matching the beat of your near terrified heart.

The Cave. You had forgotten about the cave. You must be near to home now, the cave is were you used to play as a kid. Such happy times. Memories of when you and Johnny Flappendorf used to play hide and seek in there take your mind off the growing fear for just a moment. You almost laugh when you remember when you saw Johnny running from the mouth of the cave screaming, incoherently, something about the bats changing, morphing into hideous near human forms of themselves. That was he same day he mysteriously lost one of his thumbs. 

Wait! If that is the cave then ...yes, there it is, your back gate! You can see a light flickering from the backroom window. It is mums seance night, all of her friends will be there. Veronica Dribblethwate, Richard Richard O.B.E., Reverend Moobe among others.

Footsteps. You thought you had heard them before but passed it off as your imagination. There they are again, louder, quicker. You run now, run for the back gate. A rough tree root trips you, just a few yards from the gate, you feel the tendons in your ankle tear just before hit the floor.

The thud of each footstep gets closer, the sound against the cold forest floor filling your blood with fear. Fear blood that is pumped by the heart of destiny around the body of suspected doom via the veins of impetuous terror!

You drag yourself to the gate, every inch closer seems to take a lifetime, ironically, as your lifetime now seems to be nearing a very quick, untimely end.

Doom, doom, doom the footsteps shout.

Thankfully the gate is unlocked. You manage to drag yourself to your feet and hobble to the back door. Through the window you can see your mother sitting in her favourite chair, the candle light casting her silhouette on the wall.

DOOM, DOOM, OOOOF go the footsteps as the gate you let swing back behind you hits something clean in the face.

As you fumble for your keys, and search for the one that will open the door to safety you hear the gate swing wide open and bash against the garden gate. You wonder to yourself why do you need so many damn keys on your key ring. No wonder they rub through your trouser pocket and leave your thighs all raw and spotty. That wasn't easy to explain to Tracey Tuckerface that night when she was convinced you had something contagious.

Yes! You find the one you need, turn the lock and fling the door open and closed again. Seconds before you could swear you could feel the leather of gloves brush against your hair as your pursuer makes a desperate grasp for your neck. You fall back on the door, exhausted, sweaty, a bit smelly and happy to be in the clutches of safety and not some mystery mad man.

"Hello dear, I've been waiting for you, your dinner is in the oven" the soothing voice of your mother puts your psyche back on track, letting you know everything is ok. She leans towards the wall and flicks the light switch.

As the bulb hums to life, it bathes the dining room table with light, displaying the culinary treat your mum has lovingly prepared for you. The table, covered in candles almost melted away and dead bodies. You recognise Veronica, the Reverend, Richard and a few others besides. Oh look, there's Tracey! A smile springs to your face as you turn to your mother in delight.

"Awesome, thanks mum. My favourite, thumb pie!"

Friday, 28 October 2016

Blog Paper's Comedy Heroes : Dave Barry

Recently I found myself turning 41 years of age. I woke up in the morning of my birthday and was surrounded by balloons of all different colours , adorned with pictures of all my favourite comic book characters. Spider-man, Hulk, Captain America and many of their co-workers from whatever collective world saving troupe Marvel have them representing at the moment.
You can read that last paragraph if you wish, but you will find you did read correctly. I am 41 years old. I was incredibly pleased with my balloons, especially when I got to bop them about the place. I also performed a particularly unsuccessful scientific experiment to see how far a balloon can be propelled into the air by an act of human flatulence – something I believe requires further experimentation to be funded by some sort of government grant.
You see, this behaviour is typical of someone with my condition. It is a medical condition that strikes mainly males and is most evident in their mid-life years. I am Maturity Impaired.
I was made aware of this impediment by a leader in the field, in fact the man who I believe discovered this prominent social disorder. One Mr Dave Barry.

I have been an avid fan of Mr Barry for over 20 years. I discovered his column in the back of a Sunday magazine that came free with one of the newspapers we had that week. These were re-prints of his U.S. syndicated column written for The Miami Herald. That copy of the magazine was almost instantly ruined, as what I read struck me so funny that as I laughed half the bottle of coke I was drinking shot out of my nasal cavities all over the paper.
This was not to be the last time the writing of Dave Barry caused me some public embarrassment. Whilst travelling home from work a few years later, waiting on a quiet platform for the train, I was reading Dave Barry in Cyberspace. It details the many benefits that computers and, the then in its infancy – or at least awkward teenage years, internet could provide the human race. This included the fact that an anagram of Winston Churchill is Hurls Cow Chin Lint. How this pertained to the use of and maintenance of a P.C. I have no idea. I do know, however, that it made me let off a laugh so loud that it measured 9.5 on the Richter scale and caused the man next me shoot in the air about 20 feet. To this day I am not sure if they got him down from that lamppost.
Back then it was extremely difficult to be a fan of Dave’s work and be English at the same time. I bought the newspaper that featured his column every week for a few months, throwing away most of the news bits unread, but carefully cutting out that weeks hilarious column and placing it into my newly created folder which I intended to become a tome to pass down the generations as being a collection of major historical and literary significance not dissimilar to the collected works of Shakespeare and the complete Calvin and Hobbes. However, my project was halted when through some vast editorial oversight the column was dropped from the magazine! What was I to do!! I couldn’t just wonder into a bookshop and ask for any books that might have been written by Dave. We did no have access to Amazon and it’s library of books from across the world available from a penny (or with free delivery if you sign up for Prime at roughly £97.83 a year…bargain!) I didn’t even know if any books existed. So I did what any student on a budget would do to find out.
I flew to the States.
Such was my dedication to the cause. Actually, truth be told I was on holiday with my parents but I was like a man possessed buying every item that wasn’t easily available in jolly old England by Mr. Barry and other artists. To my joy I found there were literally too many books and CD’s for my travellers checks to deal with (about 10). I also had the pleasure, on going through customs on the way home, of trying to explain to a particularly nosey agent who “Weird Al” Yankovic was.
These days I can happily troll the internet for the latest writing from my Pulitzer prize winning hero, and I recommend you do the same. There  are some 30 plus books (here I am using Mr Barry’s preferred journalism method of as little research as possible) to choose from that cover Dave’s unique spin and advice on every subject imaginable from Travel to D.I.Y and Politics to Exploding Whales. All are covered with liberal doses of Dave’s laid back, care free sense of humour which make them all an easy read. I would particular recommend starting with my personal favourite Dave Barry’s Bad Habits a collection of some of his finest columns which test very highly on the “little bit of wee came out” laugh-o-meter. If, like myself, you have just reached the landmark 40 years Dave Barry turns 40 is essential reading as you will be guided in the safe expert hands of a professional humour column writer through the highs and lows of such a confusing and flabby time of life.
If I have to be critical of anything regarding the complete works of this weeks chosen spotlight artist there are two things that bother me. The first is very few of his books are published as a standardised size for clinical collection and displaying on a bookshelf in a manner that satisfies a mild case of O.C.D. – makes ones shelf look very shoddy indeed. A stronger complaint would have to be that I am now doomed to say “…is a good name for a rock band” after many things that are said to me in general conversation for the rest of my life. Dave often points out during his text random phrases that would make fantastic names for bands and it is a lot of fun, and as it seems, habit-forming. Some examples of great band names from this blog so far are as follows –
Surrounded by Balloons
Instantly Ruined
Exploding Whales
It’s a great game to play as long as you can keep it in check or you may find friends and relatives offering you friendly and relative black eyes on a regular basis.
Dave has also written some great novels. My particular favourite is Tricky Business, favoured mainly because although I own copies of all his novels, this is the only one I have got round to reading. Insane City has a very good front cover and Big Trouble I believe has a bit in it about a character and people he, or she interacts with, and stuff happens.
It was in one of Dave’s books that I first became aware of maturity imparedness. Due to my  love of jokes involving navel fluff, beer and boogers,  and other behavioural traits such as imagining the Spongebob Squarepants theme tune coming out of the end of those flute like e-cigarettes every time I see someone using one, I knew I suffered from this crippling condition. If this means I enjoy humour columns even more because of it, then I am quite happy to carry the problem as a badge of honour.
I have been lucky in my life to have met many of my heroes. Unfortunately I have yet to meet Mr. Barry but have always felt he would be a fascinating person to sit and chat with, have a beer and share theories on flatulence based balloon propulsion. Here’s hoping he may visit the U.K. one day so I can make my dream come true…..the chatting and beer thing….not the flatulence.

For more accurate info on Dave Barry please visithttp://www.davebarry.com