Every year, the week before Christmas, Clifford the Elf who was in charge of human resources at Santa H.Q. in the North Pole, would give out the last minute positions to all the other elves working in sector 7474505b. There were all sorts of jobs that needed to be done with the up most efficiency to help Santa prepare for another successful Christmas time. Toys need to be made, boxes need to wrapped, candy canes have to have the red stripes painted on them. All the elves tried to be good all year round to make sure they got the most exciting and helpful jobs. Being on their best behavior all year for an elf is the same as being good for children all around the world, it keeps them off the naughty list. However, instead of being given presents, all the good elves are given the tasks that every good elf deserves to do at Chritmas time, like chocolate tester or being the elf that checks to see how slidey socks are on wooden floors.
Trevor always got the rotten jobs. It's not that he was a particularly bad elf but he had a habit of getting himself involved in mischief and therefore straight on the naughty list. Last year he he was having a game of conkers with his friend Neville. Trevor got over excited and swung his conker a bit too hard and lost his grip on the string. The conker flew through the air, bounced off Neville's head and came to land in a bag of Santa's favorite hard boiled sweets. Later that evening, when Santa had sat down to watch North Pole's Got Talent on the telly, all settled and cosy with a hot cup of tea and a bag of sweeties, he bit into the conker! Crunch went his teeth! "Ouch" went Santa! Ping went Santa's bridge work! He then spent the next day with Norris the Elf Dentist and his team having some very expensive dental work done.
Trevor was always in trouble and always in Santa's bad books. Trevor was always having to do things that all the other elves didn't want to once Christmas week came around. Once he was put in charge of Fizzy Pop quality control. He had to make sure all the bottles of fizzy pop had the right amount of bubbles in them (which is 7,353, which I am sure you already knew). He kept loosing count and getting told off by Clifford. Once when he was on duty in the Fizzy Pop division, Trevor fell in a barrel of Orange Soda and had to swallow lots to save himself from drowning. Once he was out he let out a horrendous burp so loud that the blast knocked seven other elves off their feet and three more shot up in the air in fright.
The following year, he was put in the Reindeer maintenance department. Looking after Reindeer is not an easy task for an elf as they are so small and the animals are so amazingly big. Santa's Reindeer are of course magical beasts and require an awful lot of looking after. The first thing Trevor had to do was clean the Reindeer's hooves. Well, he couldn't get them to stand still at all. Dasher is a particularly bad fidget. Trevor kept getting trodden on! It happened so often that he would come home every evening and his head was completely flat, so much so that Mrs Trevor the Elf would use it to do her ironing on.\
The worst part of having to take care of Reindeer was having to polish their antlers. An elf being so teeny and antlers, being so unfeasibly huge, the task of climbing to the top of the antler is like you or I having to climb the largest tree in the forest. Trevor was not very good at climbing and was always getting stuck. The Elf Fire Department had to keep coming out to get him down from Prancers horns.
Trevor had tried extra hard this year to not get into trouble. He felt like he had done an excellent job and was sure he would be checking the bounciness of marshmallows in no time at all. There was only one minor incident he could think of involving a penguin, a slippery bar of soap and a vacuum cleaner, and even then he didn't feel he was entirely to blame.
The time had come for the roles to be handed out. Trevor sat in his seat next to Neville in the big meeting hall where all the elves had congregated to find out what they would be getting up to for the week ahead. Trevor noticed some of them had tied knots in their pointy hats for luck. Thinking it was a good idea he cursed himself because he left his pointy hat at home for Mrs Trevor the Elf to starch so it was particularly stiff and pointy ready for Christmas Day. Instead, he decided to tie a knot in the end of his curly elf shoe, in fact he did both, just to be on the safe side.
Clifford stood on the little stage in front of everyone, gave the microphone in the stand a little tap to make sure it was on, and began to call out names of elves and the jobs that they were to be doing. The tension in the room was immense, many elves were sitting on the edge of their seat, shuffling about with nervous energy, Neville had to get up and go to the toilet three times he was so excited!
One by one the jobs were given out. Hilda got Stocking Stuffer. Grahame was given yo-yo string length measurer. When Leopold was made Playstation 4 game consultant he leapt out of his seat and shouted in glee, blowing raspberries at the other elves as he went, automatically getting himself on the naughty list and demoted to "Rubik's cube sticker sticker-on-er-er" - a job so hard it's even difficult to say. "Oh, bum" he whispered to himself as he sulked off, which got him demoted even further and he was re-assigned to "Glue on the back of envelope taste tester". Leo kept himself quiet to avoid any further ramifications.
Soon there were very few elves left in the hall and most of the good jobs were gone. Trevor was loosing hope quickly and decided to undo the lucky knots in his shoes. As he bent over to untie them he heard his name being called.
"Trevor the Elf, you are on welly boot cleaning duty" said Clifford into the microphone. Trevor shot upright with a look on his face that managed to show confusion, disbelief and anger all in one go. "Welly boot cleaning!" he said through his clenched teeth "God dammit!" he swore, provoking an immediate gasp from the rest of the elves. "Do you know how many pairs of boots Santa has? Last time I did that I fell in one and it took three days for anyone to find me!" Clifford, looking uncomfortable about the situation walked over to Trevor and put a hand on his shoulder "Calm down Trevor please" he requested quietly. Trevor grabbed Clifford's hand from his shoulder and twisted the fingers backwards as a sudden wave of rage overcame him. Something in his little elf head went snap."Calm down" Trevor shouted "Calm down! When I fell in that boot I had to eat bits of old sock and toe cheese just to survive!" He pushed a little harder on Clifford's fingers " Please take it easy." Clifford squealed. Suddenly, the years of pent up anger took over Trevor's mind, his face went as red as a Christmas Bauble, the curly ends of his shoes went out straight and his pointy hat stood right up on end. "You take it easy" Trevor growled as be threw largest punch in North Pole history at Clifford's chin. It connected and immediately six of Clifford's teeth flew from his mouth in all directions. The force of the blow briefly lifted him out of his shoes and into the air before he landed with a crash into the microphone behind him, causing the P.A. system whistle with feedback. Trevor looked at Clifford on the floor "You shouldn't be lying down on the job." he sneered.
Two elves grabbed Trevor from behind in an effort to take control of the situation. Trevor swiftly swung his arms downwards, his fists catching both of his captors in their gentleman's area. "Looks like I jingled your bells for you" he punned. More elves rushed towards him but Trevor was now starting to enjoy the adrenaline rush he was suddenly experiencing, his rage was in control and he no longer had use of all his faculties. He jumped into the air and performed a triple somersault, pulling down a string of fairy lights from the ceiling as he spun before making the perfect landing behind his attackers. In one swift move he lassoed three of them, around the neck with the blinking decorations. "Let me light up your life" he quipped as he pulled the cord tight. In his hurry he pulled much harder than he thought he was capable, the cable of lights went through the necks of all three as if they were made of soft cheese. "No need to loose your head" Trevor advised them has their noggins bounced off the floor and blood fountained from their neck holes.
More elves entered the fray and Trevor quickly snapped off some of the candy canes that were conveniently growing in a pot to the side of him. He threw them at the on coming gang, spearing several of them through the middle with the hard, minty sweet. "Tsk" Trevor tsked "Fancy coming to work and getting completely cained!"
As he ran through the hall more and more elves tried to stop him but his anger, that had been building up for so many years after being given all the lousy work to do, had given him the strength of a dozen elves (which is about the same as one and half human chaps). He punched, kicked and gouged his way through the lot. He poked out eyes, he broke noses and ripped out entrails, Elves come apart very easily it seemed. All of a sudden he was cornered. Thinking quickly he up rooted a Christmas tree from it's stand and swung it about knocking elves flying and unconscious "Tree-mendous" he screamed. There were only two other elves now left in the room, one turned to run away, no longer feeling it necessary to be brave and save the day. Trevor lunged the end of the Christmas tree at his fleeing colleague and shoved it straight up the poor elf's bottom, he push so hard the tree traveled all the way through the poor elf's body before coming out of his gaping mouth. The elf had his arms and legs splayed out in shock "You're a star" Trevor pointed out of the Elf at the top of the tree as he planted it back in it's pot.
There were bodies everywhere. The hall was littered in dead elves, all covered in blood, guts and groo. There were so many, a hill had formed in the middle of the room. The last surviving elf tried to scramble to the top of it but it was far too slippery and he fell over as he trod on an eyeball that rolled underneath his foot. Suddenly he felt something get jammed over his head. Trevor had snuck up behind him and put a Christmas stocking over his head and then tightened the draw string around his neck. "Don't forget your stocking fillers" he screamed in the captured elf's ear. Just before the oxygen finally ran out of the stocking Trevor lifted the elf up into the air and bought him down hard onto his bent knee. The elf snapped in two with a loud crack, his guts and blood spilling out all over Trevor. "What a cracker" Trevor howled. He stood on top of the hill of bodies laughing maniacally as he surveyed all the devastation he had caused.
Neville backed out of the lavatory door, doing up his fly, as he turned around and looked up at the room he suddenly came to realise what had just happened. "Oh no, Trevor was on the naughty list again!" he said with a shrug.
Merry Bloody Christmas!