Friday, 25 November 2016

Sucking the Life Out of Cinema with "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle"

When I first thought about starting Blog Paper I wanted to get the readers involved somehow. I came up with what I thought was a fantastic idea, get people to e-mail in suggestions of movies to review, preferably ones that they think others may not have seen or heard of before. Even better if these movies have a bit of a reputation for being a bit poo. A lot of movies that have tanked in the theater can actually be beloved by many whether their bad rep is deserved or not. So let give these little triers a go, see if we can get them to reach a larger audience and find other people to love and cherish them.

Last week I had my first recommendation, given to me by Laura from Wales, 1990 British horror opus "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle". Laura tells me it falls in the so bad it is good catagory. However, the poster for the film sports a quote from horror legend Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi. "It's really horrible" is Sam's take on the movie and never a before has a quote been so fitting. I am afraid Laura, I side with Sam. This is a truly horrible motion picture.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle
1990 Rated 18 (U.K)  Duration 101mins
Directed by Dirk Campbell
Written By Mycal Miller and John Wolskel
Starring Neil Morrissey, Michael Elphick  and Anthony Daniels

In the movies opening scene a non specific cult is summoning demons by a fire in a back alley, like they often do. The cult's leader is possessed by a demon he has summoned from the depths of hell before being killed by a biker gang who happen to be passing by with a crossbow and murder on their minds. He falls, dead, into a fire only to pull himself out, all zombied up and crispy. The demon inside him, in seeing the titular motorcycle, decides to drain himself, via the blood oozing from the crispy gentleman's neck, into the petrol tank. Presumably it thought it would get about a bit quicker in motorbike form rather than as a shambling zombie. The bike is now possessed thanks to its new bloody fuel and very angry despite getting very good miles to the gallon.

The bike is bought by our hero, Nick Oddie, or, in the first of many very bad jokes, Noddy to his friends. He works on the bike in his garage during the day but for some strange plot driven reason, he can not get it to go until night fall when it suddenly springs to life! The bike, when left to it's own devices pops out of an evening and randomly kills and maims people from dusk till dawn. The naughty cycle (which would have been a much better title for this shocker), half way through the film, randomly spawns spears from it's wheels and spiky, pointy things that are very handy for mutilating people with. 

Noddy's best friend is beheaded by the dreaded two wheeled vamp, by no means shocked by the news and Noddy takes his girlfriend, Kim, out on a date, either to commiserate with each other or celebrate, it isn't really made clear. The bikers from earlier in the story, who have a habit of showing up to add some ineffectual menace and provide guilt free victims for the motorbike throughout the movie, pop in for a bit of a punch up with Noddy. Luckily, the pub they have decided to frequent is one of the few in England that has a medieval banquet hall, sitting through a door out the back, complete with swords and wooden chandeliers for swinging on. Just right for the setting of a bar room bawl. During the scrap Noddy's girlfriend, decides showing off her gymnastic skills and doing a few wobbly cartwheels is a fantastic way to take out her opponents by sheer bewilderment.

What is the best thing to do after being the victim of psychical abuse by a group of crossbow wielding hooligans, go for a bite to eat obviously! Which is exactly what our hero decides to do. His girlfriend is whisked off by the bike, who seems a bit angry after she has the audacity to order garlic prawns from a Chinese take away. It is by the power of MSG, it seems, that Noddy suddenly realises, that his motorbike is the root cause of all the bother. He is quick then to enlist the help of Ninja star throwing priest, C3-PO, Anthony Daniels. 

All the silliness leads to a final showdown in a gym, or a large garage with some weights and a sunbed in it that we are left to presume is a gym because there are a few blokes in their wearing leotards and have big muscles. It is either a gym or a gay bar. After further tussles in which all teh beefy chaps are offed, the bikes final nemesis turns out to be the dastardly sun bed, who's rays are used to melt the hideous monster thus saving the day. I believe this scene  is cribbed from the original ending of Bram Stoker's Dracula.


The movie kept me watching until the end in utter bemusement. I must have been entertained to some degree despite the proceedings being neither scary, horrific or funny. I would imagine that, whilst filming, the crew were intending to go for an American Werewolf tongue in cheek vibe but just didn't have the wit, imagination or budget to pull it off.

The monster of the piece is hardly the scariest committed to celuloid. The evil  personification of transportation devices isn't the first port of call when making a horror movie but nor is it an original one. I point you in the way of Christine or even Rubber if evil cars and/or bit of cars are your bag for a more effective fright. It doesn't help that the bike is so slow, meandering about the place with about as much speed and menace as pensioner trying to cross the street with a shopping trolley full of groceries.

The performances are woeful and makes you realize why Anthony Daniels has spent most of his career stuck inside a tin can. The star of the film Neil Morrissey is known in England mainly for his comedic roles, often playing the lovable oaf, but here even he can not bring the material up to any sort of comedic standard that would raise a chuckle. The late Michael Elphick has a brief role, as the detective on the case, that only exists to shoe horn in a protracted gag involving his bad garlicky breath ( I will let you guess what he does with it). Daniel Peacock plays Noddy's best friend and first to be offed by the killer bike and is later the part of a dream sequence in which he turns into a talking turd that dives into Noddy's mouth.

Whilst watching, you can feel that you are needed to understand this is terrible on purpose but it is all done so poe faced no one seems to have the fore thought throw in a few knowing winks to camera be it metaphoric or otherwise.

This film is not even so bad it's good. It leaves you numb, which is how I think I made it to the end, senseless other than some deep seeded hope that things would get better as the proceedings chunter along.

So why watch I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle? Because it is the perfect film to watch after a trip to the pub. If ou have just made it home, stinking of Jagermeister, with half a kebab down your chin and wearing a hat you don't remember going out in, you are in the perfect state to enjoy this movie. However if sober, watch it for no other reason than it has to be seen to be believed and used as a benchmark for all future bad films and pray that the boys over at Rifftrax some day use it for one of their hilarious commentaries.


Can you top I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle for utter awfulness? 
Can you persuade me that your favorite, much , maligned film is actually a hidden a gem? 

Send your choices to and click my follow button. In a desperate attempt to gain a readership only those who have used the follow button as well as e-mailed will qualify to have their movie reviewed. There is a link to the e-mail address, all handy dandy like, at the bottom of the page.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged! w/c 21st Nov 2016

The headlines are true, some of the details may well not be!

Mission Impossible 6 had it's release date set by Paramount this week. The new movie, again to star Tom Cruise, will be heading to the big screen on July 17th 2018. Cruise has already said that the film promises more incredible set pieces and what he thinks will be a very entertaining and compelling story. In an attempt to add some gritty realism, this time around Ethan Hunt and his team will go up against a billionaire despot who attempts to destroy the world by making the population run themselves through with sharp sticks rather than listen to his inane drivel and look at his stupid hair doo.

The follow up to this weeks biggest release Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is two years away from the big screen but it is already known that the action will take place in Paris, France. J.K. Rowling has stated on Twitter that another rumor that is doing rounds is untrue. Apparently, many fans have been lead to believe that the story takes place only two days after the events of the first film, J.K. tells us this is not the case. The Potterverse followers are now throwing their Bertie Botts Beans about in anticipation of confirmation of this intricate detail that may be the make or break of the film being worth seeing or not. One anonymous fan took to social media yesterday to say "Never mind the plot, characters or interesting special effects - we need to know if the story takes place on a Thursday!" In further Harry Potter developments Unclogged can exclusively reveal that we now know that J.K. does not stand for "Jiggly Knockers"

Paramount also announced "Downsizing" date this week. This turns out to be a new comedy to star Matt Damon and has nothing to do with redundancies being made due to the poor box office take on a lot of the studio's tent pole releases this year. The movie will be out December 22nd 2017 in case you fancied spending two hours of precious last minute Christmas shopping time in the cinema next year.

Lionsgate have hired writing duo Neil Widener and Gavin James to write Now You See Me 3. The pair have also been tasked with penning the screenplay for San Andreas 2. They have now earned a reputation as the team to go to for unlikely sequels. Next up on their to do list is Ishtar 2: Camels Ho! and Howard the Duck: Wings of Fury.

Micheal Keaton is confirmed to be playing avian based baddie The Vulture in Marvel Studios Spider-man: Homecoming. This could be the second part of the "Tweety Bird Trilogy" Keaton has been working on for some years. Following previous entry Birdman, the set could be concluded in him being cast in the reboot of The Crow. Most likely is a role in The Birds 2: Even More Birds or Howard the Duck 3: What the Quack!

The movie version of popular video game series Uncharted is finally expected to start filming next summer after being stuck in development hell for what seems forever. According to director Shaun Levy, the treasure seeking tale will not be another Indiana Jones or National Treasure, it will be an entirely different unique entity. This can only mean that the story line will be based on U.K's top 80's television game show sensation Treasure Hunt. Expect negotiations to start with the shows star Anneka Rice and her bottom very soon. (Trust me, the rest of the world and British citizens under 30,  that gag was very funny.)

First Olympus fell over and then London now Angel. Angel Has Fallen is the next in the series of action epics starring Gerard Butler, Angel being a reference to Air Force One, the plane that Harrison Ford had a spot of bother with a few years back. It seems that co-star Aaron Ekhart will not be along for the ride in his roll as the President of the United States. The story will now revolve around, bodyguard supreme,  Mike Banning being tasked with protecting President Trump. Mike decides it's really not worth his effort and Trump gets blown to smithereens by terrorists. A fourth in the series Jenga has Fallen is also in development.

New Disney animation Moana has had to have a title change in Italy due to it's similarity to the name of infamous Italian adult movie star Moana Pozzi. After forming a writers room to come up with a safer title for Italian theaters Disney toyed with changing the name to Groaner or Screamer before settling on Oceana. Look out for sequels to include  Deep Oceana and Oceana is Wet very soon.

Ellen Page is in Ireland working on new zombie movie "The Third Wave" at the moment. The movie has managed to come in under budget by filming locals leaving the pub instead of hiring actors to play zombies.

In a sudden flash of inspiration Hollywood have decided that what the world needs is another version of the Robin Hood story to be told. The movie will star Taron Egerton and Jamie Foxx and is produced by Leonardo DeCaprio. Apparently, the story is going to be told as it has never been told before. King John is to be a time travelling cyborg from the planet Kruud. Robin is given super powers from the mystical elves of the forest before having to use them to bring down the King and his hoard of evil, trained  Ninja Spider Monkeys. A final showdown will take place in the King's underwater lair.

You may remember, a few paragraphs back we mentioned new Disney treat Moana, which features the voice of muscle mountain Dwayne Johnson. When the movie is released there are only another 757 projects Dwayne has left on his up coming slate, but nothing new has been released for over three weeks. The drought of movie announcements for The Rock seems nowhere near an end. Rumors abound that if the problem is not seen to shortly it will be announced that Dwayne will be starring in a movie based on a weak running joke from an obscure movie blog site very soon.

Come back next week for more movie news that has been tinkered with a smidge.

Sunday, 13 November 2016

Doctor Strange - Entering New Realms in the Marvel Universe

Doctor Strange
Director: Scott Derrickson
Rated PG-13 (U.S.) 12a (UK)
Running Time 155mins
Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch Chiwetel Ejiofor, Rachel McAdams, Mads Mikkelsen, Tilda Swinton

Heading into the final straight of the year and the up coming months have a few cinematic tricks up their sleeve. with the possible exception of next weeks Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them none could hold more trickery than Marvel Studios latest entry Doctor Strange. I am sure by the time this goes out the movie will be well on it's way to $100 squillion at the box office despite it's disappointing lack of an exclamation mark after the title.

Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) is one of the worlds top neurosurgeons and egotists. After a spectacular car crash causes Strange to suffer severe, incurable, nerve damage he is forced to leave his pampered world of a great surgeon and is pushed towards a hitherto unknown world of magic and sorcery in  his quest to find a cure for his injuries.
He discovers an ex-patient Jonathon Pangbourn who has somehow overcome paraplegia. Pangborn tell him to seek out Kamar-Taj, to which Strange journeys. This mystic place in the Himalayas is where he meets the Ancient One who teaches him how to master the mystic arts and in doing so sets Strange on a new path soon colliding with Kaecilius (Mads Mikkelsen) who is trying to destroy the defenses that protect earth from the denizens of the dark dimension and bring about a new world order under the rule of Dormammu.

Doctor Strange is immediately identifiable as Marvel trying to open up their cinematic universe to allow for more of their supernatural elements and characters from their comic book ouvre to be introduced in later movies. In doing this, visually the movie is stunning. Its is filled with set pieces that place the action inside mind bending kaleidoscopic backdrops of incredible detail. It is at some times hard to follow everything that is going on in a given scene because you can find yourself trying to take in all the details. Probably the most impressive sequence is that when Strange has his mind opened for the first time to the multitude of dimensions that are available to him by the Ancient One. Strange falls through a twisty, turny mind melt of worlds patterns, colours, shapes and objects that all bleed into one the intricacy of which is staggering. This is also one cinema trip, in the literal hippy dippy definition of the word, that justifies the selling out of a few extra beans to see the 3-D version as it really does enhance the experience ten fold.

Of course to introduce the audience to such concepts means the script is chock full of mystic mumbo jumbo which for the first act is a bit top heavy and requires a great deal of concentration. This does peter out as the movie progresses and the story, as slim as it is, is allowed to take over. The script is fairly close in tone to Marvel's previous outing Ant-Man, with similar comedy chops, although nowhere near as funny - but it's doesn't really need to be. One element to the story that is worth pointing out is that it can be rather violent in places, for a Marvel movie, mostly early on with the likes of an off screen decapitation seen in the shadows and the graphic nature of Stephen Strange's injuries after his disastrous car crash may have younger members of the audience turning their heads away from the screen.

 It is because of the initial set up of the mystic arts that it feels like Stephen Strange is not allowed to have his character developed. The audience is fed major character detail with a few bit's of dialogue that helpfully tell us that Stevie has a great big arrogant personality with an Ego to match, but we do not see a huge amount of evidence of it. All the characters are not particularly well fleshed out but a dependable cast manage to sell them to us as believable constructs in a wholly unbelievable but very entertaining world. Cumberbatch is very good in the title role, but there is an elementary hint of Sherlock about him that just can't be mistaken. If nothing else he certainly looks the part, distinctly stepping out of the comic pages once his costume is complete with the addition of the cloak of levitation at the half way point of the film.

Tilda Swinton and Benedict Wong give stand out performances both having fun with their roles as The Ancient One and Wong. Rachel McAdams is also in the movie, and that's all you can really say about that, she isn't given a huge amount to do other than be the token love interest and even that isn't really built on to any degree.

Kaecilius, Mads Mikkelsen giving his bad guy muscles a stretch again, is effective giving Doctor Strange the purpose he needs to practice his new skills to save the world from having it's spectral defenses taken down allowing other worldly Dormammu to make us earthlings all miserable by being a big head in the sky with a boomy voice. (also played by Cumberbatch with a the help of C.G. trickery). The final show down against Strange and Dormammu is again very satisfying and somehow makes you wish that the rest of the story could have been scrubbed up to match it.

All told this is another great movie from Marvel Studios that takes their universe in an entirely new direction. The story is hampered in it's ambitions to unique in it's visuals and just being very quick to get on with the action, which is is essence no bad thing when both elements are of such high quality.

Friday, 4 November 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged! - Movie News w/c October 31st 2016

Welcome to Blog Paper: Unclogged! All the movie news you can use!

The headlines are real, some of the details may well not be.

Star Wars fans were excited this week when a description of Luke Skywalker's costume for Episode VIII made it online. Details simply suggest he will be wearing dark colours in training scenes of the movie not the slinky off the shoulder number with matching accessories some where hoping for.

Sherlock 3 is finally in development with Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law to reprise their roles from the hit franchise directed by Guy Ritchie. The movie has created a writer's room to bash the story and script into shape. It is expected that the plot will involve Holmes and Watson falling out and parting ways only to build separate crime fighting teams of ace detectives. Casting for Charlie Chan and Miss Marple has yet to be confirmed.

Kate Beckinsale, soon to be seen in Underworld: Blood Wars, was interviewed on "Late Night with Seth Meyers" this week where she admitted to enjoying arranging fruit into amusing phallic positions and doodling penises, thousands of male viewers complained as hey thought she had said "Diddling"

This Halloween the stars were dressing up for all the swankiest horror based parties. Taylor Swift wins the prize for best costume as she got to borrow a genuine Deadpool outfit from friend Ryan Reynolds. Apparently it was a bit of a tight fit, it took a lot of baby powder and three friends to help shake it off.

In a comic book you never heard of being developed into a movie news, Image "Huge in the early 90's" Comics "Enormous" is to be turned into a possible franchise. The book, which features giant monsters running riot in the city, will be transformed into a movie with possible virtual reality elements. Watching the movie with V.R. technology will giver the viewer the impression they are looking up at a giant, slobbering, gnashing maniac that wants to eat you alive - an experience not dissimilar to watching footage of the Trump campaign trail.

In more technical news. James Cameron has announced that he hopes to bring 3D technology forward with his up coming four Avatar sequels by developing a system that will not require glasses. The new movies are to be sponsored by Anadin and Nurofen.

It seems that unlikely sequel Escape Plan 2 has been given the green light with Sylvester Stallone attached to make a supporting appearance. It has not been confirmed if Arnold Schwarzenegger is involved this time around. The story will revolve around Sly having to escape from a maximum security rest home before wardens come to give him his bedtime coco.

Girl on the Train writer Erin Cressida is in talks to write the planned live action version of Disney's Snow White. Possible title could be Girl in the Forrest. This follows the trend for live action remakes of The Little Mermaid (Girl n the Water), Beauty and the Beast (Girl and the Hairy Fella) and Mulan (Girl that Pretends to be a Boy but is Actually a Girl). Also in development is the story of Rose Red, sister of Snow White, who after finding out that Snow has fallen under the wicked witches spell, sets off with the seven dwarfs to save her sister. If this is to be an action movie controversy will ensue as the dwarfs carry out their mission of rampant, blood soaked revenge. In keeping with the change of tone the seven dwarves will change their names to Mad Dog, Frenzy, Rampage, The Douche, Muscles, Buzzsaw and Doris.

No news on casting for the role of Snow White but maybe the Disney big wigs could throw the role towards poor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who is in the midst of the second week of a project announcement drought. Desperate measures maybe taken and if no announcements are made soon we will be hearing about The Tooth Fairy 3 and Snitch 2: Still Snitchin' just to keep Dwayne ticking over.

Tune in next week for more slightly tweeked movie news with Blog Paper: Unclogged!