Saturday, 24 December 2016

Trevor the Elf - A Christmas Story for Adults

Trevor the Elf was hoping for better luck this year. Much better luck indeed.

Every year, the week before Christmas, Clifford the Elf who was in charge of human resources at Santa H.Q. in the North Pole, would give out the last minute positions to all the other elves working in sector 7474505b. There were all sorts of jobs that needed to be done with the up most efficiency to help Santa prepare for another successful Christmas time. Toys need to be made, boxes need to wrapped, candy canes have to have the red stripes painted on them. All the elves tried to be good all year round to make sure they got the most exciting and helpful jobs. Being on their best behavior all year for an elf is the same as being good for children all around the world, it keeps them off the naughty list. However, instead of being given presents, all the good elves are given the tasks that every good elf deserves to do at Chritmas time, like chocolate tester or being the elf that checks to see how slidey socks are on wooden floors.

Trevor always got the rotten jobs. It's not that he was a particularly bad elf but he had a habit of getting himself involved in mischief and therefore straight on the naughty list. Last year he he was having a game of conkers with his friend Neville. Trevor got over excited and swung his conker a bit too hard and lost his grip on the string. The conker flew through the air, bounced off Neville's head and came to land in a bag of Santa's favorite hard boiled sweets. Later that evening, when Santa had sat down to watch North Pole's Got Talent on the telly, all settled and cosy with a hot cup of tea and a bag of sweeties, he bit into the conker! Crunch went his teeth! "Ouch" went Santa! Ping went Santa's bridge work! He then spent the next day with Norris the Elf Dentist and his team having some very expensive dental work done.

Trevor was always in trouble and always in Santa's bad books. Trevor was always having to do things that all the other elves didn't want to once Christmas week came around. Once he was put in charge of Fizzy Pop quality control. He had to make sure all the bottles of fizzy pop had the right amount of bubbles in them (which is 7,353, which I am sure you already knew). He kept loosing count and getting told off by Clifford. Once when he was on duty in the Fizzy Pop division, Trevor fell in a barrel of Orange Soda and had to swallow lots to save himself from drowning. Once he was out he let out a horrendous burp so loud that the blast knocked seven other elves off their feet and three more shot up in the air in fright.

The following year, he was put in the Reindeer maintenance department. Looking after Reindeer is not an easy task for an elf as they are so small and the animals are so amazingly big. Santa's Reindeer are of course magical beasts and require an awful lot of looking after. The first thing Trevor had to do was clean the Reindeer's hooves. Well, he couldn't get them to stand still at all. Dasher is a particularly bad fidget. Trevor kept getting trodden on! It happened so often that he would come home every evening and his head was completely flat, so much so that Mrs Trevor the Elf would use it to do her ironing on.\

The worst part of having to take care of Reindeer was having to polish their antlers. An elf being so teeny and antlers, being so unfeasibly huge, the task of climbing to the top of the antler is like you or I having to climb the largest tree in the forest. Trevor was not very good at climbing and was always getting stuck. The Elf Fire Department had to keep coming out to get him down from Prancers horns.

Trevor had tried extra hard this year to not get into trouble. He felt like he had done an excellent job and was sure he would be checking the bounciness of marshmallows in no time at all. There was only one minor incident he could think of involving a penguin, a slippery bar of soap and a vacuum cleaner, and even then he didn't feel he was entirely to blame.

The time had come for the roles to be handed out. Trevor sat in his seat next to Neville in the big meeting hall where all the elves had congregated to find out what they would be getting up to for the week ahead. Trevor noticed some of them had tied knots in their pointy hats for luck. Thinking it was a good idea he cursed himself because he left his pointy hat at home for Mrs Trevor the Elf to starch so it was particularly stiff and pointy ready for Christmas Day. Instead, he decided to tie a knot in the end of his curly elf shoe, in fact he did both, just to be on the safe side.

Clifford stood on the little stage in front of everyone, gave the microphone in the stand a little tap to make sure it was on, and began to call out names of elves and the jobs that they were to be doing. The tension in the room was immense, many elves were sitting on the edge of their seat, shuffling about with nervous energy, Neville had to get up and go to the toilet three times he was so excited!

One by one the jobs were given out. Hilda got Stocking Stuffer. Grahame was given yo-yo string length measurer. When Leopold was made Playstation 4 game consultant he leapt out of his seat and shouted in glee, blowing raspberries at the other elves as he went, automatically getting himself on the naughty list and demoted to "Rubik's cube sticker sticker-on-er-er" - a job so hard it's even difficult to say. "Oh, bum" he whispered to himself as he sulked off, which got him demoted even further and he was re-assigned to "Glue on the back of envelope taste tester". Leo kept himself quiet to avoid any further ramifications.

Soon there were very few elves left in the hall and most of the good jobs were gone. Trevor was loosing hope quickly and decided to undo the lucky knots in his shoes. As he bent over to untie them he heard his name being called.

"Trevor the Elf, you are on welly boot cleaning duty" said Clifford into the microphone. Trevor shot upright with a look on his face that managed to show confusion, disbelief and anger all in one go. "Welly boot cleaning!" he said through his clenched teeth "God dammit!" he swore, provoking an immediate gasp from the rest of the elves. "Do you know how many pairs of boots Santa has? Last time I did that I fell in one and it took three days for anyone to find me!" Clifford, looking uncomfortable about the situation walked over to Trevor and put a hand on his shoulder "Calm down Trevor please" he requested quietly. Trevor grabbed Clifford's hand from his shoulder and twisted the fingers backwards as a sudden wave of rage overcame him. Something in his little elf head went snap."Calm down" Trevor shouted "Calm down! When I fell in that boot I had to eat bits of old sock and toe cheese just to survive!" He pushed a little harder on Clifford's fingers " Please take it easy." Clifford squealed. Suddenly, the years of pent up anger took over Trevor's mind, his face went as red as a Christmas Bauble, the curly ends of his shoes went out straight and his pointy hat stood right up on end. "You take it easy" Trevor growled as be threw largest punch in North Pole history at Clifford's chin. It connected and immediately six of Clifford's teeth flew from his mouth in all directions. The force of the blow briefly lifted him out of his shoes and into the air before he landed with a crash into the microphone behind him, causing the P.A. system whistle with feedback. Trevor looked at Clifford on the floor "You shouldn't be lying down on the job." he sneered.

Two elves grabbed Trevor from behind in an effort to take control of the situation. Trevor swiftly swung his arms downwards, his fists catching both of his captors in their gentleman's area. "Looks like I jingled your bells for you" he punned. More elves rushed towards him but Trevor was now starting to enjoy the adrenaline rush he was suddenly experiencing, his rage was in control and he no longer had use of all his faculties. He jumped into the air and performed a triple somersault, pulling down a string of fairy lights from the ceiling as he spun before making the perfect landing behind his attackers. In one swift move he lassoed three of them, around the neck with the blinking decorations. "Let me light up your life" he quipped as he pulled the cord tight. In his hurry he pulled much harder than he thought he was capable, the cable of lights went through the necks of all three as if they were made of soft cheese. "No need to loose your head" Trevor advised them has their noggins bounced off the floor and blood fountained from their neck holes.

More elves entered the fray and Trevor quickly snapped off some of the candy canes that were conveniently growing in a pot to the side of him. He threw them at the on coming gang, spearing several of them through the middle with the hard, minty sweet. "Tsk" Trevor tsked "Fancy coming to work and getting completely cained!"

As he ran through the hall more and more elves tried to stop him but his anger, that had been building up for so many years after being given all the lousy work to do, had given him the strength of a dozen elves (which is about the same as one and half human chaps). He punched, kicked and gouged his way through the lot. He poked out eyes, he broke noses and ripped out entrails, Elves come apart very easily it seemed. All of a sudden he was cornered. Thinking quickly he up rooted a Christmas tree from it's stand and swung it about knocking elves flying and unconscious "Tree-mendous" he screamed. There were only two other elves now left in the room, one turned to run away, no longer feeling it necessary to be brave and save the day. Trevor lunged the end of the Christmas tree at his fleeing colleague and shoved it straight up the poor elf's bottom, he push so hard the tree traveled all the way through the poor elf's body before coming out of his gaping mouth. The elf had his arms and legs splayed out in shock "You're a star" Trevor pointed out of the Elf at the top of the tree as he planted it back in it's pot.

There were bodies everywhere. The hall was littered in dead elves, all covered in blood, guts and groo. There were so many, a hill had formed in the middle of the room. The last surviving elf tried to scramble to the top of it but it was far too slippery and he fell over as he trod on an eyeball that rolled underneath his foot. Suddenly he felt something get jammed over his head. Trevor had snuck up behind him and put a Christmas stocking over his head and then tightened the draw string around his neck. "Don't forget your stocking fillers" he screamed in the captured elf's ear. Just before the oxygen finally ran out of the stocking Trevor lifted the elf up into the air and bought him down hard onto his bent knee. The elf snapped in two with a loud crack, his guts and blood spilling out all over Trevor. "What a cracker" Trevor howled. He stood on top of the hill of bodies laughing maniacally as he surveyed all the devastation he had caused.

Neville backed out of the lavatory door, doing up his fly, as he turned around and looked up at the room he suddenly came to realise what had just happened. "Oh no, Trevor was on the naughty list again!" he said with a shrug.

Merry Bloody Christmas!

Thursday, 22 December 2016

Trevor The Elf - A Christmas Story for Children

Trevor the Elf was hoping for better luck this year. Much better luck indeed.

Every year, the week before Christmas, Clifford the Elf who was in charge of human resources at Santa H.Q. in the North Pole, would give out the last minute positions to all the other elves working in sector 7474505b. There were all sorts of jobs that needed to be done with the up most efficiency to help Santa prepare for another successful Christmas time. Toys need to be made, boxes need to wrapped, candy canes have to have the red stripes painted on them. All the elves tried to be good all year round to make sure they got the most exciting and helpful jobs. Being on their best behavior all year for an elf is the same as being good for children all around the world, it keeps them off the naughty list. However, instead of being given presents, all the good elves are given the tasks that every good elf deserves to do at Chritmas time, like chocolate tester or being the elf that checks to see how slidey socks are on wooden floors.

Trevor always got the rotten jobs. It's not that he was a particularly bad elf but he had a habit of getting himself involved in mischief and therefore straight on the naughty list. Last year he he was having a game of conkers with his friend Neville. Trevor got over excited and swung his conker a bit too hard and lost his grip on the string. The conker flew through the air, bounced off Neville's head and came to land in a bag of Santa's favorite hard boiled sweets. Later that evening, when Santa had sat down to watch North Pole's Got Talent on the telly, all settled and cosy with a hot cup of tea and a bag of sweeties, he bit into the conker! Crunch went his teeth! "Ouch" went Santa! Ping went Santa's bridge work! He then spent the next day with Norris the Elf Dentist and his team having some very expensive dental work done.

Trevor was always in trouble and always in Santa's bad books. Trevor was always having to do things that all the other elves didn't want to once Christmas week came around. Once he was put in charge of Fizzy Pop quality control. He had to make sure all the bottles of fizzy pop had the right amount of bubbles in them (which is 7,353, which I am sure you already knew). He kept loosing count and getting told off by Clifford. Once when he was on duty in the Fizzy Pop division, Trevor fell in a barrel of Orange Soda and had to swallow lots to save himself from drowning. Once he was out he let out a horrendous burp so loud that the blast knocked seven other elves off their feet and three more shot up in the air in fright.

The following year, he was put in the Reindeer maintenance department. Looking after Reindeer is not an easy task for an elf as they are so small and the animals are so amazingly big. Santa's Reindeer are of course magical beasts and require an awful lot of looking after. The first thing Trevor had to do was clean the Reindeer's hooves. Well, he couldn't get them to stand still at all. Dasher is a particularly bad fidget. Trevor kept getting trodden on! It happened so often that he would come home every evening and his head was completely flat, so much so that Mrs Trevor the Elf would use it to do her ironing on.

The worst part of having to take care of Reindeer was having to polish their antlers. An elf being so teeny and antlers, being so unfeasibly huge, the task of climbing to the top of the antler is like you or I having to climb the largest tree in the forest. Trevor was not very good at climbing and was always getting stuck. The Elf Fire Department had to keep coming out to get him down from Prancers horns.

Trevor had tried extra hard this year to not get into trouble. He felt like he had done an excellent job and was sure he would be checking the bounciness of marshmallows in no time at all. There was only one minor incident he could think of involving a penguin, a slippery bar of soap and a vacuum cleaner, and even then he didn't feel he was entirely to blame.

The time had come for the roles to be handed out. Trevor sat in his seat next to Neville in the big meeting hall where all the elves had congregated to find out what they would be getting up to for the week ahead. Trevor noticed some of them had tied knots in their pointy hats for luck. Thinking it was a good idea he cursed himself because he left his pointy hat at home for Mrs Trevor the Elf to starch so it was particularly stiff and pointy ready for Christmas Day. Instead, he decided to tie a knot in the end of his curly elf shoe, in fact he did both, just to be on the safe side.

Clifford stood on the little stage in front of everyone, gave the microphone in the stand a little tap to make sure it was on, and began to call out names of elves and the jobs that they were to be doing. The tension in the room was immense, many elves were sitting on the edge of their seat, shuffling about with nervous energy, Neville had to get up and go to the toilet three times he was so excited!

One by one the jobs were given out. Hilda got Stocking Stuffer. Grahame was given yo-yo string length measurer. When Leopold was made Playstation 4 game consultant he leapt out of his seat and shouted in glee, blowing raspberries at the other elves as he went, automatically getting himself on the naughty list and demoted to "Rubik's cube sticker sticker-on-er-er" - a job so hard it's even difficult to say. "Oh, bum" he whispered to himself as he sulked off, which got him demoted even further and he was re-assigned to "Glue on the back of envelope taste tester". Leo kept himself quiet to avoid any further ramifications.

Soon there were very few elves left in the hall and most of the good jobs were gone. Trevor was loosing hope quickly and decided to undo the lucky knots in his shoes. As he bent over to untie them he heard his name being called.

"Trevor the Elf" Clifford began "Now this is very interesting, I have a memo from head office here. Please report to the Managing Director at once." Trevor nearly fainted. He turned to ask Neville what he thought it could mean, but he wasn't there, he was back in the toilet again. Trevor jumped up from his seat and rushed in the direction of the office of the big man himself. He figured he must be in really big trouble this time and probably shouldn't keep the boss waiting. Best to get this over and done with.

When he got to the office, with it's ornate, giant wooden doors, Trevor jumped up and gave the knocker, which was shaped like an "S", a bang. Immediately the doors slowly swung open to reveal an office. It was covered in all sorts of Christmas decorations. There was a lovely Christmas tree covered in baubles and tinsel. Fairy lights blinked in every corner and a fireplace gave the room a cosy glow. In the middle of the room was a desk piled high with letters, behind one of the piles Trevor could see the top of a red hat bobbing about.

"Ah, Trevor, thank you for coming" a voice said from underneath the bobbing hat and behind the pile of letters "I am just finishing off replying to a letter I got from young Thomas in England. I think he is going to be very happy this Christmas you know"

Trevor had never been in his presence before, he was very nervous but at the same time was a little excited to finally meet his hero. Santa Clause!

Santa got up from his desk and walked around to the front of it. He was bigger than Trevor had imagined and had far more cookie crumbs in his beard than he would have expected. Trevor decided best not to tell him they were there in case he got told off. "It's a pleasure to meet you sir" Trevor said timidly, with a bit of a nervous gulp. Santa looked Trevor up and down, which didn't take long because Trevor is so small. "Trevor, I have been told about your behavior this year and felt it best that we get started on your new employment straight away" he said. Trevor panicked and tried to blurt out an explanation "I'm sorry Santa I have tried so hard to be good this year, I really did. I don't think I did much wrong and the penguin was alright - we got him out eventually!"

Santa walked over to a door at the back of his office, and beckoned Trevor to follow him without saying another word. As he pulled it open, Trevor saw the one thing he never thought he would set eyes on in a million years. Santa's Sleigh! Santa started to explain "This year Trevor you will be working with me in the old toboggan here, if that is alright with you. I have so many presents to give out around the world I need the best man for the job to help me out. You have been exceedingly good this year and went to the top of the good list you know. You even got a gold star for achievement...I have a badge for that somewhere." Santa checked the sack at the back of the sleigh, some elves were starting to fill it with packages of all shapes and sizes, wrapped in brightly coloured paper with ribbons and bows on. He looked at the tags on some of the gifts "I see Maddie has been very good again this year, and Jake and his brother Harry. Here is one for Lillian, I shall look forward to dropping this of at her house."

Trevor couldn't believe it and almost fainted again. He wasn't in trouble at all! He had finally done it, all his good deeds had paid off. He had the best job....ever! He spent all week training how to use the sat nav in the sleigh, how to help Santa get down a chimney (you push....really hard) and where the shovel was kept in case he needed to clean up after Rudolf. Trevor was the happiest elf in the whole of the North Pole and couldn't wait for Christmas to come when he would zoom around the world helping Santa to make all the boys and girls as happy as he was.

Merry Christmas!

Sunday, 11 December 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged - w/c 5th December 2016


The headlines are true, some of the facts may very well not be!


George Lucas has had a preview screening of next weeks big release Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Apparently George liked it a lot. He was rather taken aback by the full bodied story, good acting, well rounded characters and decent dialogue. "I didn't know you could do that" he was thought to be heard mumbling before he was seen running from the screening straight into an editing suite yelling "Do over!" and starting to furiously re-edit Star Wars Episodes 1 - 3 again.


In further Rogue One news. Positive reactions abound as press members were treated to a viewing of 28 minutes of footage from the movie. The footage showed that the movie will be grittier and seems to contain some relentless action scenes whilst new droid K-2S0 steals the show. The journalists lucky enough to be invited to the screening took straight to twitter, here are some of their views:-

@moviesquirt - "Amazed that the rebels are shown to have stolen the wrong blue prints and manage to take down the planetary defenses of Alderaan"

@projectthis - "Aunt Beru is one hot momma! #poledancingscene

@starwarsbores - "No opening crawl! How are we supposed to know what has happened previously!"

@Framemyparts - "Awesome - the Death Star plans have a Starbucks, Footlocker, a Walmart  and feature plenty of disabled parking"


The box office take for Doctor Strange has surpassed that of Iron Man to make Marvel Studios latest entry the most successful solo character outing in their canon. Tony Stark insists that the Doc cheated by counting the box office dollars from theaters in other dimensions as well as our own. 




The Universal Studios Monsters Extended Universe is soon to get underway with The Mummy being released from it's tomb next year. This week saw the release of the trailer for the Tom Cruise action/horror epic. Originally, the universe was to be kicked off with Dracula Untold in 2014. Universal announced this week that this is no longer the case, probably due to that film only having modest success at the box office. If The Mummy does not strike box office gold then Universal have prepared a further statement that it is also no longer the start of the Monsters franchise and that next movie in line, the as yet untitled Invisible Man movie, will be the official start of the universe. If Invisible Man bombs out then a further statement will be made that The Wolfman is the official start of the timeline, and so on until someone gets it right. 


Moana is still cleaning up at the box office. If you are one of those movie maniacs that like to look for Easter eggs in your Disney movies you can find characters from Frozen, Wreck It Ralph, Aladdin and others in the background of certain scenes in the beach based adventure. If you look hard enough you can also see cleverly hidden pictures of Mickey Mouse, Darth Vader and Iron Man beating the living snot out of the Ninja Turtles, Superman and Batman whilst throwing spare box office dollars at them as they lie buckled, bruised and crying in the sand. You have to look really hard for that one.


Armie Hammer has been teasing fans with tweets suggesting that he has been signed up for a new major role. Internet buzz suggests he could now be involved in the DCEU Green Lantern Corps movie, which rings true as the former Lone Ranger is well known for getting involved in long running, majorly successful franchises.*


Spider-man: Homecoming had a trailer released this week and already it is looking like the movie really should be sub-titled Home Run! Following up on his cameo in Captain America: Civil War, Tom Holland looks like he has got the title role nailed. We also get brief glimpses of The Vulture and Shocker as the movie villans, looking all futuristic and naughty like. We at unclogged feel that this film is likely to be the greatest Marvel release yet, which is quite a statement as everything they ever do is amazing and a perfect work of art. Little can be told about Homecoming as yet but, just from this trailer alone we can tell that every single frame will be worthy of an Oscar. I am sure the internet will crash a million times over with entire population of earth trying to pre-book tickets for multiple screenings. We say this and we haven't actually seen the movie, but maybe some kind and generous and handsome and/or beautiful employee at Marvel Studios would be gracious enough to send us tickets and merchandise so we can write so much more butt lickery like the above about this shining achievement in motion picture production. Blog Paper: Unclogged - bringing you unbiased bribery based journalism at it's very best.


Fan favorite actor Michael Rooker shared a picture of the new look for his, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2, character Yondu on social media this week. His metal, arrow controlling head nubbin is now a full on fin. The internet is a quiver with movie nuts trying to guess what the fin will be used for. Most likely assumptions are that it is an Ariel for satellite television, for scaring small children whilst swimming at the beach or it's a butter knife. Another popular theory is that Yondu actually has a swiss army head with many different appendages for uses as diverse as being a cork screw to one for getting stones out of a horses hoof.

And finally...

The Rock this week has been very upset at the news that he has gone through another week without an announcement for a future project for him to add to his current rosta of 757 up coming movies. The word is that on the set of Jumanji 2, in a sudden bout of rage, the mightily muscled one grabbed co-star Kevin Hart and accidentally snapped him in two


*You know this is sarcasm right? It's really hard to write a gag like this without putting everything in italics and thus treading on the subtlety that I am aiming for. Of course you got it though because you are an intelligent well read individual. I can tell just by looking at you...have you done something new with your hair by the way? You look fabulous!**

** This too should be in italics